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#14 Having Black Friends

From guest contributor Kristen Warner

Since we are on the verge of electing a black president, it seems important to explain why white people want black friends. Every white person wants a black friend like Barack: good-looking, well-spoken, and non-violent. Obviously, whites want black friends so as not to appear racist (see earlier Obama post). However, if we dig deeper what we notice about white people is not if they have black friends but in fact, how many black friends they have. White people like numbers. They like to count things like stars in the sky and the death toll at Mt. Everest and the number of times they’ve seen Tori Amos and/or Phish in concert. Counting the number of black friends is then clearly a divine imperative. The number of black friends white people possess also illustrates their comfort with black culture. Here’s a handy guide to the number system:

1—The white novice. This black friend is the gateway to helping white people understand gang signs and Vietnamese beauty supply stores. This black friend is probably the only black friend for many white people and when they all hang out (because white people hang out) they bring their “mutual” black friend with them.

2—The white black club-goer. Two black friends serve as bodyguards when white people go to black clubs to see how exactly one “pops, drops and locks” it.

3 -4—The white BET-er. See Justin Timberlake/ Robin Thicke/ Jon B for more information. For old school reference, see Michael McDonald.

5 and up—Impossible.

1,848 Responses to “#14 Having Black Friends”

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MutualBlackFriend on January 27, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Wow. I’m what you would call a “mutual black friend”. It’s because I live in an affluent, mostly white area, so there aren’t that many black people around. But I don’t know anything about gang signs and stuff, sorry. I grew up in the suburbs, not the hood. Actually, I never been to the hood. My parents don’t associate with people there. I’m a freshman in high school, and most of the black kids at my school are popular, but they are kind of ghetto. I’m one of the nerd kids, so I don’t really hang out with them. However, I do have other black friends, but they don’t like to be around me because they say that I act white. I get offended by that, cuz that statement is sooo racist!


 

black people are the least asperger’s race


 

oh yea…

1.

2.
Uh huhhh…

3.
thats what I’m talking about…

40.
WTF!!


 

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