#14 Having Black Friends
January 21, 2008 by clander
From guest contributor Kristen Warner
Since we are on the verge of electing a black president, it seems important to explain why white people want black friends. Every white person wants a black friend like Barack: good-looking, well-spoken, and non-violent. Obviously, whites want black friends so as not to appear racist (see earlier Obama post). However, if we dig deeper what we notice about white people is not if they have black friends but in fact, how many black friends they have. White people like numbers. They like to count things like stars in the sky and the death toll at Mt. Everest and the number of times they’ve seen Tori Amos and/or Phish in concert. Counting the number of black friends is then clearly a divine imperative. The number of black friends white people possess also illustrates their comfort with black culture. Here’s a handy guide to the number system:
1—The white novice. This black friend is the gateway to helping white people understand gang signs and Vietnamese beauty supply stores. This black friend is probably the only black friend for many white people and when they all hang out (because white people hang out) they bring their “mutual” black friend with them.
2—The white black club-goer. Two black friends serve as bodyguards when white people go to black clubs to see how exactly one “pops, drops and locks” it.
3 -4—The white BET-er. See Justin Timberlake/ Robin Thicke/ Jon B for more information. For old school reference, see Michael McDonald.
5 and up—Impossible.
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I have a gay black roommate…he spends most of the day in a converted closet.
Shit. This is true. My sisters friend is fascinated my black people. The typical white middle class suburban girl who LOVES hip-hop (old school, which is cool); hates racism (who doesn’t); wants to save children in some underdevelopment country by feeding them out of her bare hands (okay, not exactly like that, but still); an avid Obama supporter; and guess what, she just got a new boyfriend – who’s black.
Um, sweetheart, I know you’re open minded. But that’s just corny as shit. Everyone knows you have an agenda. Poor fella. He doesn’t what he’s getting into.
Oh, and she has one black friend.
It’s a lady that writes this stuff?
http://www.beabetterproducer.com
[...] shows (only awesome ones like the Wire which is why I can write a post on Juneteenth, that and I have black friends). I will know who she is, after I see the sex tape, however. Septimus, apparently she has talented [...]
[...] in my book. I like Dave better though. Because white people like having black friends… #14 Having Black Friends Stuff White People Like __________________ keep [...]
o man u can tell this lady doesnt have black friends, its pop lock and drop it, and the beauty supply stores are owned by Koreans not Viets…. man
yes, we koreans own the beauty stores, and blacks burn them down and try to kill us.
where was that? and they were not successful in killing you?
Mimi stop spending time on the internet spewing hatred your idiotic family shared. do something worthwhile, you live for coming on here with your ” black people and white people hurt my people”.
had it not been for the NAACP, your people and all other colored people would not have shared half of the liberties you share, such as the freedom to vote for OBAMA lol
when you are sick, or when you die, does your superior complex or inferior complex from look of things take your to eternity? you wear your inferior complex as a badge and you think others should join you in your toxic waste of a life. anyone who shares hatred like you deserve to be friends with you.
seriously get a life, stop posting all over this blog. do you understand satire? half of the things on here are facts, just someones opinion.
STFU beeeotch. you sound like the very people you say you dislike: bigots and racists.
Either you are bitter, stupid, or a combination of both.
Get over it.
I think the reason that these are so funny is explained in the post “Being Offended.”
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