#76 Bottles of Water
February 26, 2008 by clander
Water seems like a fairly simple concept. You turn on the tap, put glass underneath, and drink. Sadly, it is not this simple for white people.
On the whole, they are unable to put a glass under a tap and just drink. In fact, this is such a strange concept that the city of New York had to launch a rather large PR campaign to show white people that it was possible to actually drink the water that comes out of the tap!
Up until this point, white people were consuming most of their water in the form of expensive bottles like Fiji, Aquafina and Dasanai. To this day, many white people continue to get their water in this fashion, and it is important to be aware about how your choice of water can say a lot about who you are.
Logically, you would assume that drinking the most expensive premium bottled water (Fiji and Voss) would be enough to show the world that you are too good for tap water. And a few years ago, you would have been right. But lately, advanced white people have been getting very upset about all of the waste that comes with drinking 15-20 bottles per week.
The leading edge of white people have started to use sturdier, refillable bottles. But do not assume this is from the tap. Most white people need to run their water through some sort of filter (Brita or PUR) before they put it into their bottle. This allows them to feel good about using a refillable bottle, but it also makes it more complicated, which they also like.
Previously, the gold standard was the Nalgene bottle, however recent studies have shown the plastic can leak toxins into the water. Currently, white people on the cutting edge are really into metal bottles of water with a twist cap. It is recommended that you buy one of these as soon as possible.
Having one will give you precious leverage over any white person who is drinking from a plastic bottle. “Oh bottled water? really? I mean it’s cool, but I kind of thought you cared about the earth.” If you see someone drinking a Fiji water, you do have the opportunity to go in for the kill. “Do you know that your bottle of water has a bigger carbon footprint than me? I think they were originally going to call it ‘aboriginal blood’ but that bottle was as close as they could get. You know, legally.”
Again, this should only be used in extreme situations.
Following your confrontation, the white person is likely to have a metal bottle just like yours. If this happens, there will be an implicit pact whereby they will do favors for you provided you do not tell everyone they got their bottle after you.
NOTE: whoever makes the metal bottles did not pay for the link. They just had the best pictures.
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I think this one should be removed from the list or at the very least, revised.
I live in a trendy, affluent and predominantly white neighborhood and most people I talk to are decidedly against bottled water.
Claims that bottled water is toxic to humans and the environment are conventional wisdoms. Claims that chemical dioxins from the plastic can cause cancer in humans or that the plastic bottles are polluting our landfills along with the mass amounts of fossil fuel burned in order to ship the product is a popular conversation piece among white people.
I often hear white people proudly show off their kitchen sink, which not only contains the regular faucet but also a faucet that magically produces filtered purified water. The person receiving the tour of said kitchen faucet is quick to boast about their Britta filtered water pitchers.
be really cool and super hip. distill your own damned water. then boil it again and add chlorine to kill the virus you sneezed on it.
it’s good. tastes like chicken soup without the salt.
most tap water tastes really disgusting
If your feeding off an artesian well like here in Memphis, tap water is just as good as bottled water. Aquafina even gets its water from here.
Most bottled water is tap water.
Yes, some is filtered tap water, especially in places like the sub-continent where they prefer to have the heck filtered out of it to ensure its safe…check the sales there of mineral water vs ‘filtered tap water’. But the overwhelming majority isn’t!
Check your bottle of water to see what is in it (mineral content etc..), as for your tap water, it’s anyone’s guess what it has in it…all you know is that you probably won’t get seriously ill from it most of the time! good result!
I’ve been around the world a bunch of times, and I can assure you nobody takes better care of their water supply than America does. I’m old enough to remember when the idea of selling water was so ridiculous nobody considered it. The rise in popularity of hysterical environmentalism, and organic nonsense could be a very good thing, for a savvy business man. What do you think about, ‘a big can of cool fresh mountain air’. Maybe with a hint of evergreen in it? You know, for a healthy, no calorie pick me up in mind and spirit during the long day, or maybe while sitting on the bus in traffic. Think I could get a buck a can for it?
Or maybe a tube of ‘essence of fungus’, just smear a little under your nose, to get a whiff of mother earth, to center you and ground you during the day. Maybe in an assortment of colors to let others know and be envious of your special connection with the planet. Perhaps a deep rich brown or earthy black, maybe even a deep purple. Perhaps even in citrus scents and rainbow colors for the fruitier ones among us. With and without glitter. Perhaps with recycled gender nuetral packaging. I gotta stop brainstorming out loud. All of these ideas are patent pending so don’t even try it.
Does drinking Brita count as tap water? Do I really need an aluminum bottle? Being white is harder than I thought! Fortunately, writing for StuffRichPeopleLove.com makes decisions like water simple. Find the most expensive spring water, put it in a designer bottle, fly it around the world and charge more per oz than fine French wine. Perfectly sane!
I think this article is great, but the problem is, is that there is still a large carbon footprint involved with buying metal bottles and water filters. Many resources are used to make metal bottles, and water filters almost always have a size-able amount of plastic to them, and their packaging. I have seen this new product, that is revolutionary. It’s from a company called NaturallyIowa, and it has the smallest Carbon Footprint I’ve seen to date. It is pure spring water housed in a completely compost-able, biodegrade-able bottle made 100% from plants. Even the packaging is completely biodegrade-able. Plus, the water has won numerous accolades on taste. I haven’t tried it just yet, I don’t think they are going to start selling to the general population for another month or so, but it sounds like it’s going to be the best thing on the market.
I’ve made my own beer recycling device. It takes all the impurities out and whats left is completely sterile. Still working on a test group to improve the taste. Everything about my product is reusable. You unbutton the container pull out the spiggot, drink it warm from the tap or fill a container for refrigeration. Just fill with beer, the better the beer the better the taste of the final product. Its great for camping, sporting events, the beach, dinner parties. Its pleasing to look at, fits comfortably in your girlfriend, and is better than a sports car with the ladies. I call this remarkable invention ‘Mycock’. Get your hands on one today!
Yes, I am a true believer in “Mycock”, I take a mouth full of it every night. I highly recommend it.
This is a whole new level of “white-ness.”
“99 bottles of Fiji water on the wall, 99 bottles of Evian…take one down and pass it around, now there’s 98 bottles of Perrier on the wall”.
“99 hard dicks in my ass, , 99 hard dicks…take one down and pass it around, now there’s 98 dicks in my ass”.+
Get a life quit sitting on it moron
Stick it in your ear for a while
In my balzac, or I think I have a hernia, can you check it…
http://www.brainbooger.com/2/post/2009/09/twilight-part-6.html
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