#76 Bottles of Water
February 26, 2008 by clander
Water seems like a fairly simple concept. You turn on the tap, put glass underneath, and drink. Sadly, it is not this simple for white people.
On the whole, they are unable to put a glass under a tap and just drink. In fact, this is such a strange concept that the city of New York had to launch a rather large PR campaign to show white people that it was possible to actually drink the water that comes out of the tap!
Up until this point, white people were consuming most of their water in the form of expensive bottles like Fiji, Aquafina and Dasanai. To this day, many white people continue to get their water in this fashion, and it is important to be aware about how your choice of water can say a lot about who you are.
Logically, you would assume that drinking the most expensive premium bottled water (Fiji and Voss) would be enough to show the world that you are too good for tap water. And a few years ago, you would have been right. But lately, advanced white people have been getting very upset about all of the waste that comes with drinking 15-20 bottles per week.
The leading edge of white people have started to use sturdier, refillable bottles. But do not assume this is from the tap. Most white people need to run their water through some sort of filter (Brita or PUR) before they put it into their bottle. This allows them to feel good about using a refillable bottle, but it also makes it more complicated, which they also like.
Previously, the gold standard was the Nalgene bottle, however recent studies have shown the plastic can leak toxins into the water. Currently, white people on the cutting edge are really into metal bottles of water with a twist cap. It is recommended that you buy one of these as soon as possible.
Having one will give you precious leverage over any white person who is drinking from a plastic bottle. “Oh bottled water? really? I mean it’s cool, but I kind of thought you cared about the earth.” If you see someone drinking a Fiji water, you do have the opportunity to go in for the kill. “Do you know that your bottle of water has a bigger carbon footprint than me? I think they were originally going to call it ‘aboriginal blood’ but that bottle was as close as they could get. You know, legally.”
Again, this should only be used in extreme situations.
Following your confrontation, the white person is likely to have a metal bottle just like yours. If this happens, there will be an implicit pact whereby they will do favors for you provided you do not tell everyone they got their bottle after you.
NOTE: whoever makes the metal bottles did not pay for the link. They just had the best pictures.
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Most of your posts are SO true!
White people ARE like that, my bf is white by the way.
negroes and Four-O’s?
what is it wit dem & malt liquor, anyway
You all realize that this website is supposed to be satire. Sarcastic websites that get serious responses, how white can you get!
People should stop using the stupid cancer causing chemicals as an excuse to not re use plastic water bottles. Especially it’s a real fancy bottle, such as Evian-nothing says class like charging a 4 dollar bottle of water to your credit card- and ya, I sadly have done that!! We should all know by now, everything we consume will some how, eventually be proven to cause cancer.
To the gentlesir who said class it the answer…I almost agree with you! Amazing!
you do realize Evian spelt is naivE right? just thought you otta know
The largest maker of LDPE bicycle type water bottles (no negative health issues here) has now introduced a bottle that biodegrades 100% in landfill if it is not recycled. This is a reusable sports bottle that has an expected 5 year life, is recyclable (symbol 4), is made from at least 20% post industrial recycled material.
Check it out at http://www.BioGreenBottles.com
Many are unaware of poisoning caused by re-using plastic bottles. Some of you may be in the habit of using and re-using your disposable mineral water bottles (e.g. Nestle, Bisleri, Aquafina, Kinley, Evian,etc…), keeping them in your car or at work. Not a good idea. It happened in Dubai, when a 12 year old girl died after a long usage (16 months) of SAFA mineral water bottle, as she used to carry the same fancy (painted by herself) bottle to her school daily.
In a nutshell, the plastic (called polyethylene terephthalate or PET) used in these bottles contains a potentially carcinogenic element(something called diethylhydroxylamine or DEHA). The bottles are safe for one-time use only; if you must keep them longer, it should be or no more than a few days, a week max, and keep them away from heat as well. Repeated washing and rinsing can cause the plastic to break down and the carcinogens (cancer-causing chemical agents) can leak into the water that YOU are drinking.
Better to invest in water bottles that are really meant for multiple uses.
(a 12 year old girl died after a long usage (16 months) of SAFA mineral water bottle, as she used to carry the same fancy (painted by herself) bottle to her school daily.)
I think I’ll put this story in the Bigfoot and Chupacabra file. I must have missed your source material.
If these bottles are not safe after a few days, how long do you think it is between manufacture date and when you open the bottle. When you get it home, it probably takes longer than that before you finish the case of water.
Just saying.
Uh, yeah, I’m in Day 2 of an experiment. My family is spending no money for 2 weeks. And the first thing I almost bought was a bottle of water at the YMCA. On my way to work out, I realized I couldn’t buy it, and I just can’t quench my thirst at the water fountain, so I went home and got my pretty, red, SIGG, BPA-free bottle. If you want to read about my spending blackout over the next two weeks, you can check out my Planet Perspectives blog.
You do all realise that you can re-fill plastic water bottles right???
You just unscrew the lid, fill it up, replace the lid back on and continue drinking as if nothing ever happened!!!!!! AMAZING.
lol the whole thing with plastic is that it lets off stuff into your water. Thats why it isn’t white enough. Besides, metal is more durable, and can be doubled as an accessory. More complicated. Very caucasian.
To all my fellow whities,
I love the fact that there is an alternative to bottled water. The bottled water industry is booming on the fact that their product is just filtered water. You could make that at home. Just buy metal, and it will probably be the last bottle you ever buy (unless someone takes it from you.) love mine
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