#76 Bottles of Water
February 26, 2008 by clander
Water seems like a fairly simple concept. You turn on the tap, put glass underneath, and drink. Sadly, it is not this simple for white people.
On the whole, they are unable to put a glass under a tap and just drink. In fact, this is such a strange concept that the city of New York had to launch a rather large PR campaign to show white people that it was possible to actually drink the water that comes out of the tap!
Up until this point, white people were consuming most of their water in the form of expensive bottles like Fiji, Aquafina and Dasanai. To this day, many white people continue to get their water in this fashion, and it is important to be aware about how your choice of water can say a lot about who you are.
Logically, you would assume that drinking the most expensive premium bottled water (Fiji and Voss) would be enough to show the world that you are too good for tap water. And a few years ago, you would have been right. But lately, advanced white people have been getting very upset about all of the waste that comes with drinking 15-20 bottles per week.
The leading edge of white people have started to use sturdier, refillable bottles. But do not assume this is from the tap. Most white people need to run their water through some sort of filter (Brita or PUR) before they put it into their bottle. This allows them to feel good about using a refillable bottle, but it also makes it more complicated, which they also like.
Previously, the gold standard was the Nalgene bottle, however recent studies have shown the plastic can leak toxins into the water. Currently, white people on the cutting edge are really into metal bottles of water with a twist cap. It is recommended that you buy one of these as soon as possible.
Having one will give you precious leverage over any white person who is drinking from a plastic bottle. “Oh bottled water? really? I mean it’s cool, but I kind of thought you cared about the earth.” If you see someone drinking a Fiji water, you do have the opportunity to go in for the kill. “Do you know that your bottle of water has a bigger carbon footprint than me? I think they were originally going to call it ‘aboriginal blood’ but that bottle was as close as they could get. You know, legally.”
Again, this should only be used in extreme situations.
Following your confrontation, the white person is likely to have a metal bottle just like yours. If this happens, there will be an implicit pact whereby they will do favors for you provided you do not tell everyone they got their bottle after you.
NOTE: whoever makes the metal bottles did not pay for the link. They just had the best pictures.
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i cannot deny, i am looking for a tiffin carrier to buy, right this minute after reading your post.
An old post but I was reminded of it after learning about Dabbawala in India, other wise known in English English as a Tiffin Carrier or in American parlance a stackable metal lunchbox.
The actual system of Dabbawala is interesting enough in itself but the point is that it has all the hallmarks of stuff white people like and I think will be the next fad (I’m buying one right now as I type).
First its complicated. There are latches and whatever to make what should be as simple and mundane as a paper bag to carry your lunch as intricate as possible.
Second its expensive. Again in Paper Bag v. White People the paper bag is easily most cost effective than a $25 lunch box, not including the niffty cotton bag cover.
Third is obnoxiously health conscious. Its made of metal and half of the reviews all cite the use of stainless steel over plastic due to health concerns over BPA or plastic voodo in general. Plus what you pack can be as self righteous and healthy as you want.
Fourth its environmentally friendly. Eating out creates an enormous amount of waste that as a white yuppie you can thumb your nose at. But wait, since the lunch box is the container you don’t even have to use Earth killing Ziplock bags or even disposable utensils (the advertised alternative is made of bamboo; highly sustainable). Some white people even suggest putting take out in a Tiffin Carrier as to avoid Styrofoam even when you do eat out.
Fifth and sixth is that its old and culturally unique and arguably European. Tiffin’s were used by the British in India over a hundred years ago.
There are a lot of MM thick legs are hereditary, they may be very thin elsewhere, but a pair of legs but also how fine for it, then you can choose a type of uggs ireland and long legs will hide.
At least they don’t put Koolaid into those refillable bottles
Hahaha, another entry that is right on the nose. I’ve always wondered why my fellow white people don’t drink out of the tap and they usually come up with an answer of how nasty, dirty, terrible the tap water is. As if we lived in a country that had water sanitation issues.
And then you got into refillable water bottles and water filters and I had to admit that I do this (and for the reasons you listed). It’s funny to see us called out for our bullshit.
You hippies will get a kick out of this: I work for a company that works in a lot of isolated and remote places all over the world. The current site I am at has no potable water at all, so we import bottled water. I’ve been here almost a year with an entire mobile workforce of about 1,000 people and all we drink is bottled water. We go through pallets of it, probably 100 pallets a week. I myself drink 2-3 cases a week. Just think of us when you’re recyclilng. =D
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