#81 Graduate School
March 4, 2008 by clander
Being white means to engage in a day in, day out struggle to prove that you are smarter than other white people. By the time they reach college, most white people are confronted with the fact that they may not be as smart as they imagined.
In coffee shops, bars, and classes white people will engage in conversations about authors and theorists that go nowhere as both parties start rattling off progressively more obscure people until eventually one side recognizes one and claims a victory. By the time they graduate (or a year or two afterwards), white people realize that they will need an edge to succeed in the cut-throat world of modern white society.
That edge is graduate school.
Though professional graduate schools like law and medicine are desirable, the true ivory tower of academia is most coveted as it imparts true, useless knowledge. The best subjects are English, History, Art History, Film, Gender Studies, <insert nation> Studies, Classics, Philosophy, Political Science, <insert European nation> Literature, and the ultimate: Comp Lit. MFA’s are also acceptable.
Returning to school is an opportunity to join an elite group of people who have a passion for learning that is so great they are willing to forgo low five-figure publishing and media jobs to follow their dreams of academic glory.
Being in graduate school satisfies many white requirements for happiness. They can believe they are helping the world, complain that the government/university doesn’t support them enough, claim they are poor, feel as though are getting smarter, act superior to other people, enjoy perpetual three day weekends, and sleep in every day of the week!
After acquiring a Masters Degree that will not increase their salary or hiring desirability, many white people will move on to a PhD program where they will go after their dream of becoming a professor. However, by their second year they usually wake up with a hangover and realize: “I’m going to spend six years in graduate school to make $35,000 and live in the middle of nowhere?”
After this crisis, a white person will follow one of two paths. The first involves dropping out and moving to New York, San Francisco or their original home town where they can resume the job that they left to attend graduate school.
At this point, they can feel superior to graduate school and say things like “A PhD is a testament to perseverance, not intelligence.” They can also impress their friends at parties by referencing Jacques Lacan or Slavoj Žižek in a conversation about American Idol.
The second path involves becoming a professor, moving to a small town and telling everyone how they are awful and uncultured.
It is important to understand that a graduate degree does not make someone smart, so do not feel intimidated. They may have read more, but in no way does that make them smarter, more competent, or more likable than you. The best thing you can do is to act impressed when a white person talks about critical theorists. This helps them reaffirm that what they learned in graduate school was important and that they are smarter than you. This makes white people easier to deal with when you get promoted ahead of them.
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It’s a shame that you can also apply Graduate (verb) school to whites…
http://www.beabetterproducer.com
I know that this blog is all in good fun, and I know that probably for many, many people who go into graduate school, their dreams don’t turn into a reality, but I would like to add just one comment that shows grad school in a positive light.
Maybe you didn’t love all of your professors or think they were all doing valuable work. But regardless, many professors love their jobs. For some people, the opportunity to think and write on subjects that they find fascinating and important is vital. Many of my professors, at least, try to tie their work to the “real world” in some way. Granted, I didn’t go to community college or an Ivy-league, so apathy and snobism weren’t really an issue. I guess I just want to say that it is possible for professors to be happy and to do some good in the world. It may not be for everyone, but it shouldn’t be dismissed as total garbage either. I think most of my professors were very down-to-earth people, respectful of the fact that being an expert in an obscure field does not make them better than others or than their students; it simply makes them fit for what they do, which is hopefully teach others, present students with some new ideas, and contribute work to the world of academia which others may find interesting and helpful.
I guess I have to believe that, though, since professor-hood is where I’m aiming
With a plan for publishing as my back-up.
I like how there’s a Google ad announcing “Get an MFA In Creative Writing” right after this post.
I have decided against grad school.
Hilarious post.
It seems that you, the author, have been kind of jaded by a lot of these different situations. These are all generalizations, that, while applicable to a large portion of whities, would be considered racist in any other setting. And I realize the irony that by my pointing this out, I’m fulfilling the white person’s love of not being racist, etc. etc, but it’s true all the same. Might as well enjoy some of it. Coffee really is a good drink, and studying abroad is a good way to better learn a language.
Sorry for being rude, doctors and lawyers use this a model in their professions where once you’re in, you’re in; and all you do is to do your best to keep other people out such that you can charge big fees to f*ck-all. It doesn’t really has anything to do with holding out a better standard … yours views are, may I regrettably say, somewhat from living in a hole …
You will be surprised that a lot of those doctors, lawyers and professionals that you despise will out perform you lot if I ask you all to take exams tomorrow alongside with them.
Also, do you know that each year drug companies spend millions of dollars to bribe doctors with freebie to have them endorse unproven drugs? On this alone I would say doctors in the West fail the ethics test already.
It is no longer politically correct to say a person can’t do this or that because he or she don’t have the right background, but what you have said it the living prove that the old mind set is still alive and well, and in your words that is the licences and regulations.
My message is meant to reply to FijiLover.
Dude, that’s why you are in Fiji, and we are part of the United States blog.
A Fijian doctor is not qualified to be a U.S. registered paramedic. Fiji doctor does not equal U.S. Physician.
There are millions of licenses and regulations.
A Hong Kong lawyer may not earn even a fraction of a US Attorney.
A pizza delivery guy here can become a Hollywood star.
But a Japanese professor may not be qualified to teach junior school.
It’s the same; but it’s also different. Welcome to America.
I know right!!! Because the ones in other countries actually know things, unlike the U.S. Doctors, Lawyers and “professors.”
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