#128 Camping
August 14, 2009 by clander
If you find yourself trapped in the middle of the woods without electricity, running water, or a car you would likely describe that situation as a “nightmare” or “a worse case scenario like after plane crash or something.” White people refer to it as “camping.”
When white people begin talking to you about camping they will do their best to tell you that it’s very easy and it allows them to escape the pressures and troubles of the urban lifestyle for a more natural, simplified, relaxing time. Nothing could be further from the truth.
In theory camping should be a very inexpensive activity since you are literally sleeping on the ground. But as with everything in white culture, the more simple it appears the more expensive it actually is.
Camping is a multi-day, multi-step, potentially lethal activity that will cost you a large amount of both time and money. Unless you are in some sort of position where you absolutely need the friendship of a white person, you should avoid camping at all costs.
The first stage of camping always involves a trip to an outdoor equipment store like REI (or in Canada, Mountain Equipment Co-Op). These stores are well known for their abundance of white customers and their extensive inventory of things for white people to buy and only use once. If you are ever tricked into going to one of these stores, you can make white people like you by saying things like “man, this Kayak is only $1200, if I use it 35 times I’ve already saved money over renting.” Note: do not actually buy the kayak.
Next, white people will then take this new equipment and load it into an SUV or Subaru Outback with a Thule or Yakima Roof Rack. Then they will drive for an extended period of time to a national park or campsite where they will pay an entrance fee and begin their journey. It is worth noting that white people are unaware of the irony of using a gas burning car to bring them closer to nature and it is not recommended that you point this out. It will ruin their weekend.
Once in the camp area, white people will walk around for a while, set up a tent, have a horrible night of sleep, walk around some more. Then get in the car and go home. This, of course, is a best case scenario. Worst case scenarios include: getting lost, poisoned, killed by an animal, and encountering an RV. Of these outcomes, the latter is seen by white people as the worst since it involves an encounter with the wrong kind of white people.
Conversely, any camping trip that ends in death at the hands of nature or requires the use of valuable government resources for a rescue is seen as relatively positive in white culture. This is because both situations might eventually lead to a book deal or documentary film about the experience.
Ultimately the best way to escape a camping trip with white people is to say that you have allergies. Since white people and their children are allergic to almost everything, they will understand and ask no further questions. You should not say something like “looking at history, the instances of my people encountering white people in the woods have not worked out very well for us.”
Note: this works for all races!
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This could be combined with something else white people do: hunting with antiquated and obsolete weapons. While you may think on the surface that white people would not do this as it violates the rights of cuddly woodland creatures and owning a firearm is only done by the wrong kind of white people, you should know that advanced white people sometimes figure out that the only way to get the ultimate in free-range/organic/hormone-free/antibiotic-free meat is to get out there and kill it yourself. But going to Wal-Mart and buying a cheap, yet well-made Remington with a synthetic stock is not an option. White people must either bow hunt (a nod to indigenous cultures whose destruction they feel guilty about and who would have traded anything, up to and including women for a Winchester) or get a muzzle loader. They will say things like “It’s not about killing, it’s about the challenge”. These advanced white people will hunt with anything from a pre-’64 Winchester to a Mosin-Nagant (the Mosin combines two things white people are fond of, the hyphenated name and the former socialist worker’s paradise). Hunting also allows white people to buy expensive European clothing. Long coats with patches on the front where the stock meets the shoulder are popular, as are red flannel jackets and deer stalker hats (only when worn for irony). You can meet more white people hunting quail and pheasant than anything else. This allows them to have fancy French food that they would not normally be able to get. Trader Joe’s, it seems, does not sell pheasants. Hunting these elusive little creatures requires lots of walking around outdoors and highly intelligent English breeds of dog, not to mention a $1,000.00 plus Italian or Spanish shotgun. Hunting upland game birds gives white people yet one more opportunity to poke fun at the Bush administration, “Make sure I’m out of the way when you shoot, I don’t want to end up like Dick Cheney’s friend. Every white person has a secret fantasy of sitting in a rustic hunting/ski lodge in front of a stone fireplace with a fine glass of top-shelf bourbon or single-malt scotch. Note: never bring up the general messiness of cleaning the game, it will make white people cringe and their patina covered rifle/shotgun will sit in a closet collecting even more rust.
This one is a good one… I camp cheap, though, no expensive equipment, and would rather spend my entire life camping. Why would someone want to be in a city anyway for any length of time? Unfortunately, the camping regulations right now are such, though, that one may be much less noise, overcrowding and pollution in a populated city than in one of the campgrounds in summer (in Yosemite year-round–hope they cut down on Yosemite visitation and ban trailers from there, it’s about time)
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