#37 Renovations
January 29, 2008 by clander
All white people are born with a singular mission in life in order to pass from regular whitehood into ultra-whitehood. Much like how Muslims have to visit Mecca, all white people must eventually renovate a house before they can be complete.
Of course, most white people do not reach this goal until they are 35 or older. But the need to do it is as instinctual as walking.
But it is important to note that white people have little or no interest in renovating a suburban home built after 1960 (except in Southern California). All white people dream about buying an older property (“with character”) in a city, and then renovating it so the insides look all modern with a stainless steel fridge.
Though the seed is planted from birth, it really starts to grow when renovations take place in a family home during childhood. They don’t understand why there are so many men with mustaches in their kitchen, but they know that they will be gone in a few weeks leaving behind a nicer kitchen and a happier mommy/daddy/life partner of parent.
Please note that ALL white people went through a renovation when they were kids. This is a good subject to bond over, perhaps a story about how you were embarassed at a sleepover when a friend went to the bathroom and there was a contractor on the toilet. Embellish as necessary.
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Yes. Yes it is.
My fiance and I are in the process of buying a crumbling Victorian mansion-turned-flophouse downtown so that we can restore it to its original glory.
Also, we might turn it into a seasonal “urban bed & breakfast” because it’s fucking huge and has like nine bedrooms with attached bathrooms…is that a whole new level of Whiteness?
This is SO true. My dad has been renovating the back poach for like, 10 years.
White people love adding on poaches too.
White people, well all people, also enjoy http://www.NakedHipster.com. Mainly because the girls are hot and don’t have clothes on. Usually those two things go well together. You know, the hotness and the nakedness.
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OMG this site’s so funny! Even I didn’t realise where this need came from. Now I know it’s because I’m white.
I’m dreaming of buying a house to install a HUGE new kitchen. The kitchen will be full of ethnic food from around the world to entertain myself in front of my friends, pretending it’s for their benefit:
“oh you don’t have Chinese rice vinegar? You really should if you make Asian food you know, it’s really different from Italian balsalmic vinegar, or god forbid regular vinegar. But make sure it’s Chinese rice vinegar, because the Japanese rice vinegar is totally different”.
I love how so many white commentators on this site get so offended. They’re so anal they’d fit perfectly as either ultra-right Tea Party supporters or ultra-left politically-correct Democrats.
Keep up the good work (in case you haven’t had one on cooking ethnic food, make one!)
LOL I saw this blog on http://www.DanielDickey.com (The MTV VJ) and must admit, it’s super funny as well.
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