#90 Dinner Parties
March 18, 2008 by clander
Though many would have you believe that white people come of age at Summer Camp, it’s simply not the truth. Immediately following graduation but prior to renovating a house, white people take their first step from childhood to maturity by hosting a successful dinner party.
It is imperative that white people know how to host a good dinner party as they will be expected to do it well into retirement.
At the most basic level, these simple gatherings involve 3-6 couples getting together at a single house or apartment, having dinner and talking for 5-6 hours. Though it might seem basic these events are some of the most stressful situations in all of white culture.
Hosts are expected to deliver a magical evening. The food must be home made with fresh, organic ingredients, the music must be just right (ambient, new, but not too loud), and the decorations inside the house should be subtle but elegant. The ultimate goal is to do a better job than the couple at the last dinner party while attempting to make everyone jealous and sort of dislike you.
The dinner party is the opportunity for white people to be judged on their taste in food, wine, furniture, art, interior design, music, and books. Outside of dictatorships and a few murder trials, there might not be a more rigorous judgment process in the modern world. Everything must be perfect. One copy of US Weekly, a McDonalds wrapper, a book by John Grisham, a Third Eye Blind CD, or an Old School DVD can undo months and maybe even years of work.
Even before guests arrive the pressure on the host is immense and it does not let up once people begin to arrive. While eating, drinking, and conversation are expected to fill up 5-6 hours, sometimes it’s just not enough. In order to fill the silence, white people will often turn to board games (Cranium!) or Wii Bowling. This lets everyone have fun together without having to really talk to each other, which is usually more fun anyways.
It is strongly encouraged to bring a gift to these dinner parties, usually either wine or some kind of dessert. If you are able to bring a particularly rare dish from your culture, you will be the star of the party. To seal the deal, be sure to explain as much as you possibly can about the dish: history, availability, and the proper way to eat it. Every white person at the party will be taking mental notes and will be in your debt for introducing them to something new and authentic. If a white person says they have eaten the dish before, it is best to respond by saying “you ate a watered down version. They don’t even sell this to white people, it’s that intense. Even I had to show ID.”
The entire party will universally acknowledge you as the top guests, even the hosts will appreciate you for bringing diversity to the table in both food and person form.
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Some dinner party tips:
Plan to provide a non-traditional Thanksgiving meal. People are sick of turkey and dressing. You should bring back a favorite like tuna and crackers and be creative with side dishes.
Whenever anyone offers to help or bring a dish, say, “NO thank you, I have got it covered.”
Do NOT serve cheeses, dips, olives, chips and small sandwiches. These are items that will choke guests with ease. If a guest chokes be ready to roll.
Before the table settings and centerpiece are in place, sit in each chair to make sure each chair will hold the weight of the guest. Fat guests should be assigned the more sturdy chairs or offer to let them eat on the couch.
Kids should not be invited because they are gross and eat with their fingers.
DO NOT provide any low calorie dishes. If people are too fat to eat regular food they should not be invited.
Completely clear the table of all dishes from previous courses before serving dessert. The goal is speed not pleasure.
Feed them quickly then swiftly move to dessert. After dessert, offer a drink then escort the guests out to their cars.
Fill the sink with soapy water so cutlery and small dishes can soak clean. DO not drink the soapy water.
LOL - wow, your parties sure sound like fun.
“Kids should not be invited because they are gross and eat with their fingers. ”
You obviously don’t have or don’t like kids. Ha ha…
Funny stuff.
Don’t drink the soapy water? Wow, how much alcohol do you server at your parties where you even need to worry about that? Unless you went ahead and invited kids…
[...] I often don’t recognize it when I’s used grammar wrongly. What’s up with that?) #90 Dinner Parties [...]
You know, eastern europeans must not be entirely white because the parties we had growing up were full of dancing AND 15 different servings of food. We never played board games. It was talk, drink, and dancing late into the night. White people from western europe and the US never seem to dance at their parties.
Cause they can’t dance.
Yes, you don’t want white people to dance… *cringe*
If I had a copy of the WallStreet Journal or any other thing like that when I’m entertaining my friends they’d look at me laugh. Bring out the beer & the cards. Our dinner parties consist of drinking & playing spades or Euchre with a Kevin Smith movie in the background or some kick ass CD.
yes but kevin smith was totally the wes anderson of the 1990s, and for generation X trying hard not to try was the key to white social acceptance.
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