#112 Hummus
October 27, 2008 by clander
When it comes to food, all white people are either allergic to/or have stopped eating everything you consider delicious. It’s a good idea to come to grips with the concept, because it will save you a lot of headaches.
But when white people come to your house, you are forced to deal with the problem in a very real, very immediate sense. You will be trapped with their dietary restrictions and they will be trapped with the contents of your kitchen. You can mediate this situation by stocking your pantry with dozens of complicated and expensive snacks. Or you could take the easy way out and just buy a tub of hummus.
All white people like hummus. In fact, if you find a white person who does not like hummus then they probably just haven’t tasted it or they are the wrong kind of white person. In either case, they are probably not someone that you want to know.
Putting out a plate of hummus and pita makes white people very comfortable. It reminds them of home since at any given time a white person has hummus in their fridge. Even the most barren white refrigerator will have a package of the stuff next to an empty Brita filter.
White people are also relieved when they see hummus because they recognize the contents immediately.
Though you would never be able to guess it by their actions, white people are very concerned with perceived as “annoying” or “that guy” who has to ask about the ingredients of everything they eat. However great their concern over this, they are still more afraid of being “that guy” that eats High Fructose Corn Syrup or pork.
Familiarize yourself with this information as it will play itself out every time you try to pick a restaurant with a white person.
You: “Let’s get Chinese food”
White Person #1: “Um, yeah, last time I was there I tried to ask the waitress if they used any pork stock in the preparation of the vegetables and she didn’t really give me a response that makes me comfortable eating there again.”
By providing your guests with a plate of hummus, you can guarantee that you won’t have to have this infuriating conversation in your own home. But that doesn’t mean you are safe. To cover all your bases, it is always a good idea keep some Gluten free crackers in your pantry.
That way if you bring out a plate of hummus and pita and discover that one of the white people cannot eat gluten, then you are ready to pull off a truly incredible move.
First, pretend not to understand why the person cannot eat wheat. Then go back to the kitchen and return with the gluten-free crackers. Everyone will be impressed by your ability to psych out people with food allergies.
Wait one week and relive the story with different white people, it will make them laugh and secretly wish to be invited to your next hummus eating party.
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Freedomhaters.org has another really hilarious parody of Stuff White People Like.
Their entrees include, Madame Curie, Blackface, and The Music of Easter Island. I highly recommend checking it out here:
http://www.freedomhaters.org/content/yet-another-salute-stuff-white-people
I WANT A MILLION DOLLARS!!! Can one million RICH WHITE PEOPLE send me one dollar apiece, puh-lease????
I don’t want money from any Asians, or Blacks or Hispanics. You guys NEED your money. I only want one dollar apiece from RICH WHITE PEOPLE, who only WASTE their money on things like gourmet hummus and pita bread.
Waste it on me instead. Thanks so much! (First person who comments “You ARE a waste.” is a rotten egg. You thought it. I know you did. Stop lying. See? I knew it.)
http://thepighasacurlytail.wordpress.com/million-dollar-fund/
Read the first like 3 posts… anyone who takes this site seriously is dumb. This site is for entertainment. If you don’t like it and are not entertained, why waste you’re time… go find something that DOES entertain you, and everyone including you will be much happier.
ya.
My husband is a celiac (allergic to wheat gluten) and we’re both white, but this is the first time I’ve seen celiac disease regarded as a “trendy white thing. ”
It’s a crummy dietary restriction to have, especially if you’re poor, since it rules out the majority of pre-packaged foods that make up the poor diet. Like a lot of poor people in America, we can’t afford vegetables, fruit or meat often, so it means he’s stuck eating rice and beans most of the time, and the specialty gluten-free foods available that you mocked (like pasta, bread, and crackers) are hopelessly beyond our budget.
I know the speciality gluten-free food is stored in the same area as the organics and other alternative foods eaten by typically privileged white people that have the money and education to make moral choices about their eating habits, but other than the shelf location, I am having a hard time seeing what is “trendy” about it. It wasn’t his choice to be a celiac. It’s meant malnutrition for both of us (for him, because a main staple of his diet is gone, for me, because the fresh food we can afford must go to him), and much suffering on both our parts, both physically, financially, and socially. Plus, it sucks to have to ask for ingredients at a restaurant, during the rare times we can afford it, and have the wait staff look at us like we’re deliberately trying to be difficult to handle, or making it up, and gawd what’s wrong with him that he can’t just eat what everybody else eats without becoming violently ill and getting cancer?
Neither can I see clearly what is supposed to be “white” about it. Don’t other races have intolerances? Is it the idea that only a privileged white person could afford the invasive surgery to diagnose celiac disease? If that’s it, fair enough — although we never could afford it either and he remains undiagnosed. But there’s some other sinister implication there, I can’t help but feel, perhaps that a person of color is too tough to be a celiac, or wouldn’t need special accomodations if he or she were.
I’m allowing for the possibility of being so deeply in mired in white privilege that I don’t get it, but I think it could also be that in your haste to make a joke that you spoke about a subject that you don’t really understand.
Iris: The comment about Gluten free crackers isn’t directed towards those surreing from celiac;rather, its a tounge-in-cheek reference to those whites who do this as a trendy way to get thin in some way . . .
internet aint free bitches…priorities…
It’s only a joke. Lighten up. Everyone knows he wrote this to be funny. It’s more about white people that are annoying than about people that have a defect they can’t control.
“.. can’t help but feel, perhaps that a person of color is too tough to be a celiac, or wouldn’t need special accomodations if he or she were….”
you know Iris, I can say the same about white people who have sickle cell anemia…just replace the word ‘celiac’ with ’sickle cell’ and you will see how ridiculous your statement is….
Let go of that ’skin color’ thinking and show empathy if you want empathy.
I’m not sure why you are not surrounded by more people sympathetic to your celiac plight. Two members of my family and several people I know through work have the same problem. All of them officially “undiagnosed” because they don’t want to pay for the test and following the gluten-free diet cleared up their symptoms.
Perhaps it is the “white person”s disease du jour because of our country’s aging demographics? One doctor told us that the “type” is someone of Irish heritage, often blond, and often strikes later in life after events such as child birth or a serious illness.
My mom coped by making bread for my dad and sister. My sister eats Fruity Pebbles cereal for breakfast. My dad is also diabetic and must restrict his phophates but generally speaking as long you eat meat and vegies (including potatoes) this diet can be effectively managed and is not horrendously expensive. You have to make your own salad dressing of oil and vinegar. You can add sugar to many fruits.
Your complaint about expense is nonsensical. Learn to cook with celery and onions. Peppers are also often inexpensive. He can eat turkey polska keilbasa which is great with stir fried vegies and mashed potatoes. You can also buy bags of potatoes dirt cheap so make dishes of potatoes and cheese. Eggs are also cheap. Make omelettes with bacon, turkey, mushrooms and cheese. Yum!
Oh Karen, believe me, over the past five years I’ve learned to cook from scratch (a great skill all on its own) and use what I can — we do eat a lot of potatoes, eggs, homemade popcorn, whole-cooked chickens (when on sale), salad and homemade dressing, homemade bean soups, stews, and such. Even homemade candy like caramel and toffee. It is probably much cheaper than eating from good brand pre-made foods, though terribly time-consuming, but it is still stretching our budget.
The expense isn’t nonsensical so much as it is relative. Consider that sausage for keilbasa is at least $2.50 and would make only a serving or two for one hungry man, when you could get 10 boxes of generic Mac n’ cheese for the same price, or four packages of pasta. Many people would probably consider $2.50 on dinner cheap, but where I grew up that fed a whole family and still needs to.
I think that’s what I was trying to say: that those expensive foods in the “trendy” part of the store don’t represent every celiac. It kind of baffles me that some people might read a “gluten-free” label as pretentious. Trying to avoid having your stomach swell to the proportions of a 9 month pregnant women is not snobbery. =P
Searching online, it appears that gluten-free is a fad diet right now, or at least is perceived as one. I had no idea. Guess that explains some of the snark in the original article.
I had never read the racial statistics on celiac disease, but if you say it’s an Irish thing, I’m ready to believe it. I don’t know his ancestry, but my husband is whiter than white and heavily freckled.
Sadly we don’t know any other celiacs and his parents are only now coming around to the idea that he isn’t making it up. It’s cool to see another person with celiacs in the family, even if only online.
I wouldn’t take offense to much, just reply with somthing like “well celiac might be the trendy white thing, but AIDs is the trendy black thing, I’d rather be white in that case” lol
no really, this site is funny sometimes, and I see alot of white people like it so it must be doing ok, but some things are quite ignorant.
hey mimi, you would not like it if someone says that “being prostitutes to the Japanese is a female korean thing” now would you?
STFU beeeotch.
at lest our men arn’t raping us left and right, they are polite enough to pay if they want some action…jealous bitch.
they are ‘polite’ enough to PAY if they want action? So you just called all Korean women prostitutes?
geez mimi, you are not the brightest light bulb in the box.
That is funny…
http://messedupparentingtips.wordpress.com/
lol i fit into all of these steryotypes
Hahaha, oh so true especially for the hippie-earth-loving whites……Hookah needs to totally go on this list…..
what the hell is Hummus..?
thats stupid doesn’t matter if your white or not, people eat what they wanna eat.
While I’m in class… my computer is making $$$$
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Want to make $700/month from your computer?
Then get with the program!!
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