#87 Outdoor Performance Clothes
March 11, 2008 by clander
As white people get older, they like to make clear boundaries between their professional and personal lives. They don’t mind talking about their personal life at work, but they hate talking about their work life when they are enjoying a weekend or vacation. But with blackberries and laptops, white people could be working anywhere, at any time. So how do you know when they are off the clock? It’s easy, check their clothes.
When white people aren’t working, they generally like to wear Outdoor Performance Clothes. The top suppliers of these garments and accessories include North Face, REI, Mountain Equipment Co-Op, Columbia Sportswear, and Patagonia.
When you see white people wearing these, it is important that you do not discuss business matters. Instead you should say things like “where did you get that fleece?” and “what’s that thing holding your keys to your shorts?” White people will be more than happy to talk to you about their sustainably produced possessions.
The main reason why white people like these clothes is that it allows them to believe that at any moment they could find themselves with a Thule rack on top of their car headed to a national park. It could be 4:00 p.m. on a Saturday when they might get a call “hey man, you know what we need to do? Kayak then camping, right now. I’m on my way to get you, there is no time to change clothes.”
Though it is unlikely that they will receive this call, White people hate the idea of missing an opportunity to enjoy outdoor activities because they weren’t wearing the right clothes.
If you plan on spending part of your weekend with a white person, it is strongly recommended that you purchase a jacket or some sort of “high performance” t-shirt, which is like a regular shirt but just a lot more expensive.
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I WANT A MILLION DOLLARS!!! Can one million RICH WHITE PEOPLE send me one dollar apiece, puh-lease????
I don’t want money from any Asians, or Blacks or Hispanics. You guys NEED your money. I only want one dollar apiece from RICH WHITE PEOPLE who seem to WASTE their money on outdoor performance clothes.
Waste it on me instead. Thanks so much! (First person who comments “You ARE a waste.” is a rotten egg. You thought it. I know you did. Stop lying. See? I knew it.)
http://thepighasacurlytail.wordpress.com/million-dollar-fund/
[humorlessprick]
TNF, as it currently stands? Aspiration and status.
Typical bourgeois white Americans: “We’re soft and plump, but we fancy ourselves to be the outdoorsmen/women of the ads we obviously COULD be if we didn’t have to sit in this cubicle all day. It’s a good thing that they finally fixed the cut on this new jacket… it’s a perfect perforamance fit!”
Bourgeois non-white Americans: “We want to be treated like white bourgeois.”
Poorer non-white Americans: “This is what everyone else seems to be wearing, so we better wear this ‘Nonth Face’ jacket we picked up in Chinatown, lest we seem different…”
Blue-collar white Americans: “Yuppiewear. We WORK in our Carhartts.”
Ghetto-dwellers of all ilk: “Yo, this shit is $500 f*cking bucks! Chug that Dom…”
Chic urbanites/hipsters: “Outdoors wear? TNF? Eww. That is so mainstream and so not twee. Pass the PBR.”
Outdoorsmen/women: “Mainstream poseurwear. TNF sold out many years ago after is was acquired by vanity Fair. Look at the cut on this thing. This this was made to accommodate a gut!”
[/humorlessprick]
hahahahhahha!
I had never heard of any of those brands… except The North Face, because in high school I got a scholarship to an elite private school and found myself surrounded [and outnumbered] by all of the rich kids’ Eddie Bauer monogrammed backpacks and North Face fleeces.
Oh, and New Balance shoes!! HA!!
You mean to tell me I shouldn’t wear this stuff at work?!!!?
That is so funny…..
http://messedupparentingtips.wordpress.com/
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