Stuff White People Like

Hillbillies and Black/Hispanic hipsters totally break down your blog’s racial stereotypes.

Please change it to

‘Things Canadians and Northern Californians Like’. Much more accurate.

10 Reasons White People Don’t Like San Antonio, Texas:

- It’s not “artsy” enough.

- Too many fast-food restaurants.

- No Whole Foods stores.

- No REI outlets.

- No good schools. The public schools are mediocre (and what white person sends their kids to public school anyway?) and the private schools are all either Catholic or Fundamentalist Christian, and as everyone knows, those religious groups espouse narrow-mindedness.

- Too many Mexicans. For some reason, white people don’t like Mexicans. It’s weird because they love to demonstrate how tolerant and open-minded they are, but apparently they’d much rather demonstrate this using a black or gay person than a Mexican. Don’t ask me why.

- Too few fellow whites. White people like to have friends they can actually relate to, in addition to the ones that display their tolerance and diversity, and in San Antonio, whites are a definite minority. (Fact – look it up.) Of the whites in San Antonio, most are the Wrong Kind of Whites, being either in the military or homeschooling families (or both). And as everyone knows, military types and homeschoolers are narrow and intolerant. There’s also a dearth of blacks and Asians.

- No public transportation except for a bus system. White people love to live in places with public transportation (although they never seem to use it), but they hate buses, which apparently don’t count as public transportation.

- No neighborhoods they like. They’re all either too Hispanic, too boring and unoriginal, or too expensive and highbrow.

- They don’t like the weather. It’s too hot most of the time, which puts a major damper on their beloved outdoor activities. White people hate discomfort such as that caused by running around outside in 100-degree heat. They might do it anyway, but only to prove how tough they are.

i just heard of something called a “gold party”. i don’t know what it is, but i suspect that i will like it.

Phish.

Last night I went to my first Phish concert. I was (1) not high and (2) fascinated as a sober observer by the melee of frenetic Caucasians, swaying and shaking and spinning, in a trancelike joyous state. The music was fantastic, but the demographic of the crowd made me wonder, why do white people like this music so much? Is it nature or nurture? I don’t know.

Here’s a good one for the list: Avoiding their Relatives. Stereotypically speaking, we are the only ethnic group without a strong, intrinsic sense of family. That’s not to say that we don’t love our families, but unlike most other groups who seem to have a strong sense of “These people are my family, therefore I love them,” white people are more likely to judge which of their relatives they like or dislike on an individual basis. Just think of the motto: you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your relatives. This implies a sense of being trapped with your family, and, in an ideal world, most white people would love to be able to choose their family. This sentiment often results in white people avoiding their families, with the exception of the requisite holidays, in which they are obligated to spend it with one another because, quite frankly, that’s what everyone is doing.

white people love monty python!