#118 Ugly Sweater Parties
December 14, 2008 by clander
Over the course of a calendar year, white people have ample opportunities for themed parties and drinking: Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, and Cinco De Mayo are the most popular officially sanctioned holidays. But that does not mean that white people shy away from creating their own impromptu themes for parties and evenings- mustache party! ’90s prom! Designing Women!
During the month of December, white people face an especially difficult challenge. This is the time of year when parties and drinking are most appropriate, but the most obvious theme of Christmas must be avoided. This is because Christmas forces Christianity upon others, and though their ancestors had no problem with this activity, modern white people are quite disgusted by the idea. Hanukkah parties are fun, but a bit too exclusive, and a Kwanzaa Party requires an enormous amount of physical, mental, and ironic labor that can only be done by the most elite of white people.
White people needed to find a party that was completely without religious affiliations, but still connected enough to the idea of Christmas that they could serve eggnog and hot toddies. The answer: ugly sweater parties.
These parties feature festive drinks, Christmas music by Sufjan Stevens, and most importantly, intentionally hideous sweaters. These ugly sweaters provide white people with an invisible shield that protects them from any criticism that might emerge if any Christianity accidentally slips into the evening.
“Hey man, I love that Burl Ives song, but um, you let Silent Night slip into the mix. That’s kind of awkward because, you know, the Crusades?”
White person points to sweater and makes a funny face.
Order is restored.
If you find yourself invited to one of these parties, you must begin your preparations immediately. Craftier white people have been searching used clothing stores since last Christmas, and so you should not expect to find anything of significant ironic value. Instead, your best hope is to see if any of your family members have an old sweater lying around.
“Hey man, nice sweater. It’s so ugly.”
“Yeah, when my family first got to this country we had to shop at Goodwill, this is the first one my father bought to get him through his first winter here. Good thing they didn’t have these parties back then, right? He would have died.”
“Geez, man, I’m sorry, you can cut in line for egg nog.”
Photo by paperladyinvites
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stuff white people like:
spelling white with a lower case w
writing lower case like e.e. cummings
e.e. cummings
“An outraged eighteen year old.”
Fail
I am white and I find everything in this book to be wrong and appalling. I do not know who wrote it or what color they may be but I feel like they live a very sheltered and misguided life. These are steriotypical statments and are nothing but the opinion of one racist mind. As soon as we learn that it is not the color of your skin that determines what you like and dislike, but where you come from and how you are raised, the world will be a less judgmental and better place to live in.
An outraged eighteen year old.
You do realize this is supposed to be ironic?
You don’t get this blog because…
a) You’re too stupid to pick up on irony and satire or too stupid to interpret it and process the humor
b) You’re not perceptive enough to realize that the author is poking fun at a certain subculture of white people
c) You’re hypocritical because you spew sanctimonious and nonsensical bullshit about race relations, but due to your homogeneous friend base you think the social trends being presented must be chimeric creations of a racist(and apparently ’sheltered’) bigot
d) If c is correct, you REALLY don’t get this blog
e) You understand it, but the anglo-saxon in you refuses to be amused. see #101 – being offended
e) All of the above
How do you know you conceited jerkoff?
I’m white and I think its hilarious! (Mostly because it’s true!) LOL
Freedomhaters.org has another really hilarious parody of Stuff White People Like.
Their entrees include, Madame Curie, Blackface, and The Music of Easter Island. I highly recommend checking it out here:
http://www.freedomhaters.org/content/yet-another-salute-stuff-white-people
I WANT A MILLION DOLLARS!!! Can one million RICH WHITE PEOPLE send me one dollar apiece, puh-lease????
I don’t want money from any Asians, or Blacks or Hispanics. You guys NEED your money. I only want one dollar apiece from RICH WHITE PEOPLE, who only WASTE their money on things like organizing ugly sweater parties.
Waste it on me instead. Thanks so much! (First person who comments “You ARE a waste.” is a rotten egg. You thought it. I know you did. Stop lying. See? I knew it.)
http://thepighasacurlytail.wordpress.com/million-dollar-fund/
there is a black dude in this picture also wearing an ugly sweater. is that not folding over on your point or what?! or is he just like a full-size cardboard figure of my cousin!? maybe…just maybe this blog is a JOKE! and drinking is always appropriate as long as you have an ugly sweater. cool clothes and imported white people drinking materials do not mix. what if you pass out or puke over your awesome totally-not-white-people clothes? that is just a bummer. so..ug;y sweaters are reusable after multiple regurgitations/
Having black friends is one of the things that white people
there is a black dude in this picture also wearing an ugly sweater. is that not folding over on your point or what?! or is he just like a full-size cardboard figure of my cousin!? maybe…just maybe this blog is a JOKE! and drinking is always appropriate as long as you have an ugly sweater. cool clothes and imported white people drinking materials do not mix. what if you pass out or puke over your awesome totally-not-white-people clothes? that is just a bummer. so..ug;y sweaters are reusable after multiple regurgitations/
ok.. first of all… wtf is all this bullshit about americans not liking the AMERICAN FLAG or and of that other bullshit!? ok whoever made this,had to have been a towel head or sumthin cuz aint no american gonna sit on tha side and listen to folks talk shit bout their own race or their country! im white and im proud but its actually called caucasian
thanks. and this is all white ppl ur talkin bout sweetie so what the hell is that black guy in that picture for?! its ok ti u start calling him white. hell no.
Things white people like: having arguments on the internet with people of obviously inferior intelligence.
Things REALLY white people like: ironically commenting on such internet arguments, making himself seem superior to everyone else.
Lisa, YOU learn some English. Your grammar and spelling is incorrect throughout your entire comment.
First of all, this “towel head” you’re so infuriated by is Christian Lander. Please refer to this Wikipedia article before you read further: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_Lander.
Christian isn’t saying that AMERICANS don’t like the American flag… He is pointing out the fact that “white” people don’t. And by “white,” he doesn’t necessarily mean “Caucasian.” If you’ve been living in America for the past 5 or so years, you should know which stereotype he is referring to. You obviously have not had the pleasure of encountering a “white” person during your lifetime, and so you probably don’t think this website is comical at all. You should probably go spend your time doing something more productive than bitching about something you don’t even understand.
Oh, Lisa, Lisa.
Seems like the southern education system’s gone further down the drain.
I always thought ‘towelhead’ was the thing of poor satire. Never figured anyone was as stupid or ignorant to actually use it in everyday speech.
Stuff White People Like # 2,478
Being ever vigilant in pointing out how dumb/rascist people must automatically be one of those Eeeevvviillll Southerners.
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