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Archive for the ‘Food & Beverage’ Category

#42 Sushi

Regardless if you are vegetarian, vegan, or just guilty about eating meat, all white people love Sushi.  To them, it’s everything they want: foreign culture, expensive, healthy, and hated by the ‘uneducated.’

But there are different levels of white person Sushi love.  At the bottom are the spicy tuna/california roll eaters.  These are the people who get their fix at places named “Rock And Roll!” “Magic Sushi Company,” or Trader Joes-type supermarkets. Often times, this sushi isn’t the most authentic, but white people can’t get enough!

The next level up is the entry level Sushi snob, these are people who still love rolls, but are willing to branch out to Salmon and Tuna sashimi, maybe even eel.

Finally, you have the white sushi snob.  These people just take it all way too far.  Often times, they will only sit at the sushi bar, will try to order in Japanese and will only order Omakase.  These people will often be extremely critical of anyone who eats a roll of any type or does not properly flip the nighiri into their mouths.

When white people get Sushi they all want to order Sake to complete the authentic experience.

So, how can this information be turned into personal gain?

White people are obsessed with finding good sushi, therefore if you offer to take them to ‘the best sushi place’ in town, you are sure to have them accept.  If you are asian man, this is an almost no-fail method of getting dates with white girls, and maybe, just maybe joining Bruce Lee and Paul Kariya’s dad.

In addition, going out for Sushi is considered a special evening in white person culture.  Not as special as breakfast, but still, it comes with expectations.

But what if the person you are interested in is a vegetarian?  Not a problem.  For some reason, most white people who say they are vegetarians will eat Sushi.  Apparently, fish aren’t cute enough to warrant inclusion with pigs, chickens and cows.

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When Loverboy wrote the song “Everybody’s working for the weekend,” they meant that you work all week so that you can earn a break and go to some sweet bars or concerts and rock out as hard as possible because you have 2 days for the hangover to fix itself. Well, white people work for the weekend, except their only goal is to eat breakfast on Saturday or Sunday at one of their favorite “breakfast places.”

These places are restaurants that specialize in breakfast food and are usually only open from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. and if you arrive at any time after 9:30, prepare to wait for up to an hour with white people who cannot wait to get vegan pancakes, eggs benedict, waffles, or deluxe french toast.

To a white person, there is no better way to spend a saturday morning than to get up late, around 9:30 and pile into your Audi or Volvo and drive to one of these little places and eat breakfast with friends. Often times these breakfasts last for an hour or more (hence the long lines and wait times).

Some white people take it to the next level and bring their dogs, newspaper or even a laptop.

If you plan on dealing with white people, it would serve you well to know some local breakfast places. This will also come in handy if you pick someone up at 80s night. In white person law, if you meet someone at 80s night and then go out for breakfast the next morning, then you are automatically in a relationship. There are no exceptions.

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As with many white people activities, being vegan/vegetarian enables them to feel as though they are helping the environment AND it gives them a sweet way to feel superior to others. For further evidence, note how the vegetarian world has increasing levels of extemism (no meat, no dairy, no eggs, no fish, nothing that has been cooked, etc).

Much like not watching TV, this makes white people pretty hard to deal with on a day to day basis – having dinner, going to restaurants, having them over to watch political debates all become major challenges as they will talk about how they cannot eat anything and would rather that the meat and cheese be thrown in the garbage than put into their bodies.

But wait, aren’t there white people who eat organice, grain fed, free range cattle and chicken? Yes, these white people are wracked with guilt knowing that they are eating a dead animal, contributing to rainforest deforestation, and global warming.

Whether you are dealing with a meat eater or a vegan/vegetarian, there are many ways to use this information to your advantage.

If you require a favor from a vegetarian white person, you should invite them to a dinner with your family. When your mother/grandmother offers them a dish with meat in it, they will reject it saying that they are vegetarian. When the meal is over, tell them that your mom is very embarrassed, and that in your culture rejecting food is the equivalent of spitting on someone’s grave. They will then owe you favor, this can be repeated when you need trips to the airport, someone to help you move, a small interest free loan, or a place for your friend to crash.

If you need to gain leverage with a meat eater, it’s pretty easy. They already feel guilty, just point it out.

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#24 Wine

There are a lot of cultures that like wine, but the way white people like wine is on a whole different level.

Within white culture, you are expected to know what a good wine is, what wine is not acceptable to like, and the names of prominent wine growing regions.

But because there are thousands of wineries, thousands of wines, and a limited time to try them or learn about it, often times, white people need to fake knowledge.  If they are exposed as not being knowledgeable, they will look like fools and their peers will consistently make jokes about them liking Boone’s Farm, Thunderbird, Steeler, or Lakeport.  This humiliation can crush a white person for years.

When a white person offers you wine, you take a small sip and then say “ooh, that’s nice.  What country is it from?” then they will say the name of the country and you say “I love wines from that country, I would love to get a villa in the wine region there.”  White people will nod in agreement as they all want to have a second home in a wine region like Napa, Tuscany or Santa Barbara.

It is also a good idea to say that your favorite wine is from a small winery called [make up name like ‘Spotswood,’ ‘Red Duck,’ Random Spanish name] in [Australia, Argentina, France, California, or Chile] that is hard to get in  whatever country you are in.  White people will be impressed that they have not heard of this wine and consider you to be a very smart person.  They will also make a note to try to find that wine, and when they can’t find it, your status will rise even higher.

Wines that are acceptable: Red, White (less so)

Wines that are unacceptable (unless to be consumed in an ironic fashion): White Zinfandel, wine in a box, Rose, Fortified Wine, Arbor Mist, Chinese Cooking Wine.

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#23 Microbreweries

White people don’t like stuff that’s easy to acquire.  Beer is no exception.

They generally try to avoid beers like Budweiser, Labatt’s, Molson, Coors, and Heineken because if it’s mass produced it is bad.  No exceptions.

So when they need a beer, they turn to microbrews who seem to be located almost exclusively in New England, Ontario, Quebec and Colorado.  Being able to walk into a bar and order a beer that no one has heard of makes white people feel good about their alcohol drinking palate.

A friend of mine once met a white guy who brought a notebook with him to every bar.  He would then keep a record of all the beers he drank and his experience with them.  He called it his ‘beer journal.’

Also of note: most white people want to open a microbrewery at some point.  One that uses organic hops.

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#13 Tea

It is a known fact that white people consume, on average 25 different teas in a given year.

Back in the old days, white people would go all over the world to get teas from places like India and Sri Lanka.  They were pretty into it and all of a sudden white people are into tea.  But as we moved forward, white people were like “man, one kind of tea is not enough, we need more.”

And now people are into Green Tea, Chamomile, Chai, White Tea, Red Tea, Jasmine Tea, Oolong Tea, Black Tea, Orange Pekoe, and other specialty blends.  They are even opening stores and websites devoted to sending white people all sorts of tea.

If you find yourself in a situation with a white person, acceptable things to say include “I’m really into tea right now,” or “my favorite thing is to get a nice cup of tea and curl up in a chair with a good book.”  But do not remind them about the role of colonialism in tea, it will make them feel sad.

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Please note that this is one area where white women are exempt from, but they should be exempt from other things such as voting and participation in Division 1 sports.

95% of white males have at one point in their lives, experienced yellow fever. Many factors have contributed to this phenomenon such as guilt from head taxes, internment camps, dropping the Nuclear bomb and the Viet Nam War . This exchange works both ways as asian girls have a tendency to go for white guys. (White girls never go for asian guys. Bruce Lee and Paul Kariya’s dad are the only recorded instances in modern history). Asian girls often to do this to get back at their strict traditional fathers. There is also the option of dating black guys, but they know deep down that this would give their non-english speaking grandmother(s) a heart attack.

White men love asian women so much that they will go to extremes such as stating that Sandra Oh is sexy, teaching English in Asia, playing in a coed volleyball league, or attending institutions such as UBC or UCLA (please note that both schools’ colors of “blue” and “yellow” are intentional also the “A” in “UCLA” stand for “Asian” while the “B” in “UBC” stands for “Billion” try and figure out what the rest of the letters stand for). Another factor that draws white guys to asian women is that white women are jealous of them.

Take for instance the fact that asian women well into their 30s and 40s retain teen / college girl looks without the help of botox, yoga or a trendy diet (future posts). Asian women also avoid key white women characteristics such as having a mid life crisis, divorce, and hobbies that don’t involve taking care of the children (also future posts). Should white guy / asian girl marry, they produce hybrids that are atheistically pleasing, but are very annoying. This practice is also a means by which white people can catch up to the asian peoples in the population race, as most of the hybrids often act white rather than asian.

references: Bananas, Toyota Prius, Michelle Branch, California Roll, Johnny Damon, Kristen Kreuk, 40% of Vancouver’s population

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