The Article:

“Typos a la Carte” by Jane Black.  The Washington Post, June 18th, 2008.

The Problem:

What should you do when you find typos on a restaurant menu?

The Solution:

The presence of an improper apostrophe on a menu can ruin an otherwise delicious meal for a white person.  Jane Black recommends asking for an extra copy of the menu, taking out a pen and marking all of the mistakes.  When you are finished, you should then leave the restaurant with the hope that the chef will see the mistake and correct it before your next visit.  This is considered the best solution since it allows you to use proper grammar while simultaneously avoiding confrontation (#128 in the book).

The other option is to simply recognize that the typos, while egregious, do not prevent actual meaningful communication on these menus.  This would allow you to escape the tag of “elitist,” “pretentious,” or “banned from eating here for the rest of your life.”

Final Verdict:

It is the duty of every white person to correct typos.  It is worth the risk of banishment to deliver proper grammar to those who need it.

Further reading (as they were mentioned in the article):

• Grammar
• Breakfast Places
• Apple Products
• Wine
• Organic Food
• Arts Degrees

Reminder

Contest ends TOMORROW at 12:00 p.m. EST (9:00 a.m. PST) – we have over 400 entries already.

Also there is a new entry on Coldplay at Vanity Fair.

Stuff White People Like will be released on July 1st, 2008 through Random House. To celebrate, we are holding a long-awaited competition to find the next great expert on the stuff white people like.

The book features:

• 50% all new, never before seen material

• Flow charts including, “How to name a white child,” and “Where should a white person live?”
• A definitive, easy-to-score quiz to determine your exact level of whiteness
• Much, much more!
• Available for Pre-order from these book retailers.

How to win a copy

Now is finally your chance to show off your knowledge of white people! Send in an entry of 350 words or less to stuffwhitepeoplelike@gmail.com with the title “SWPL ENTRY” (all caps).

The winner will receive a copy of Stuff White People Like, in their choice of either autographed or mint condition, and will have their fully-credited entry posted to the site.

Rules

• No Duplicate Posts
• By submitting an entry, you are granting all rights to your submitted material to the operators of Stuff White People Like.
• Last Day for submissions is Friday, June 20th.
• Winner will be announced Monday, June 23rd.

The sweater is an essential part of the white person wardrobe and it is a very good idea to familiarize yourself with all the different types of sweaters that are most popular with white people.

When you approach the subject from the perspective of age, it’s essential that you combine very young and very old white people in the same group. This is because young white people think it is very cool to wear clothes that are popular with senior citizens. The most popular example of this is the cardigan sweater, which is essentially a wool jacket with less buttons. An old white person might combine this sweater with a button down shirt to provide himself or herself with valuable warmth in the winter months, but a young white person will combine it with a t-shirt to create a ‘layered look.’ This not only allows them to show others that their personality features as many layers as their clothes, but it’s a chance to show people that you own not one but two cool items of clothing.

White women will also purchase many small, thin sweaters that they can wear in combination or on top of other clothes. Though you may think it would make more sense to just purchase a thicker sweater, these layers allow them to achieve maximum temperature control (see Scarves for more evidence of this phenomenon).

Moving up in thickness and age, one comes across the ‘ultra thick’ sweater. Though you will find these at Farmer’s Markets and Community Gardens throughout the country, they are most popular in the Pacific Northwest. These are often light brown or almost beige and weigh upwards of 10 pounds. When you a see a white person walk into a bar or coffee shop wearing one of these sweaters, you can tell the weight by how much they are sweating when they take it off.

White people also appreciate the irony of ugly sweaters that usually feature things like reindeer and snowmen. Though it seems unlikely, white people have even been able to turn this into a theme for parties. Typing in “ugly sweater party” into google will return a wealth of images and a dearth of diversity. However, there is one notable exception.

Regardless of the type of sweater, it is also good to be aware of the fact that finding a nice sweater at a thrift shop or goodwill is considered a major event in the life of a white person. Scoring a garment that makes it into the regular rotation for under $10 is a story that white people will tell for up to five years after it happens. Therefore, if you are seeking white friendship it is a good idea to do one of two things: You can either go to dozens of thrift shops in hopes of finding a dream sweater or you can buy a new one, remove the label and make up a story about how you found in a Goodwill in a bad neighborhood that “hadn’t been picked clean by hipsters.”

“‘Black Guy’ livens up Saturday Market” by Kyle Odegard

Corvallis Gazette Times, June 1st, 2008

Summary:

Corvallis resident Jeff Oliver sets up a booth at a Farmer’s Market to make a comedic and social statement about diversity in the region. Some white people are offended, but need to find a way to show the reporter that they are not racist. If only there was a way that white people could do that in a single sentence…

Best Quote:

“Sherry Littlefield of Corvallis said the booth was unnecessary. She and friend Ron Naasko said they have black friends, and would be voting for Barack Obama for president.”

Stuff Referenced

• Having Black Friends
• Being Offended
• Barack Obama
• Farmers Markets
• Diversity

Sent in by Rebecca Drapkin.

It is a fact that white people will never turn down an opportunity to enlighten other people on the correct way to think. While this is very easy to do through email or face to face conversation, it is exceptionally difficult to do while driving a car. Fortunately for white people there is a solution that is both popular and ineffective: bumper stickers.

Before talking about the types of bumper stickers that white people like, it’s very important to get an understanding about layout and placement. When a white person drives an older car (6+ years old) that has a resale value under $2000, they will coat the entire backside of the car in bumper stickers. Because of the abundance of space they are free to include stickers from all areas of white support: music, politics, the environment, insults to right wing politicians, and various movements that tell people to keep a city “weird.”

But when white people have a nice new car such as a Prius or an Audi station wagon, the fear of losing resale value prevents them from applying more than one sticker. Therefore that one sticker must properly capture the essence of the car and the political views of the driver.

The safest and most accepted choice for a sticker is always one that supports a Democratic Presidential candidate (Ralph Nader is an acceptable substitute). As of February 2008, white law requires an Obama 08 bumper sticker to be placed on the back of every Prius. Though these stickers reach peak effectiveness during an election year, it is acceptable to leave this sticker on the car until the next election regardless of whether or not the candidate actually won. If it’s a disputed election like in 2000, the sticker can be left on for the life of the car.

If a white person does not feel like supporting a candidate, they will likely select a bumper sticker that tells other people what to do. Some popular ones include telling people to Coexist and to stop eating meat.

Though there is no conclusive evidence about the effectiveness of these stickers, white people show no signs of abandoning the campaign. In fact, there is a popular tale in white mythology that tells of an unenlightened man driving on the freeway who saw a bumper sticker on the back of a Subaru station wagon that said “Go Veg.” The sticker was so moving that he threw the hamburger he was eating right out the window and became a vegetarian on the spot. Two days later, he affixed the same bumper sticker to their car and the process began anew until enough people had changed their views to form what we now know as the city of Portland, Oregon.

The only other acceptable sticker option for white people is the white oval country tag sticker used commonly in Europe to help identify cars that cross international borders. Though they actually serve a function in Europe, white people use the stickers to show people where they like to take vacations. If you know a white person with one of these stickers, it’s always a good idea to ask them about where they got the sticker. Your question will justify the presence of the sticker and make the white person feel great.

If you have decided that you want to improve your status with white people by applying a bumper sticker to your car do not make the assumption that you can just use anything! Stickers that support right wing politics, guns, patriotism, war, or hunting are all unacceptable. It is also unacceptable to use a sticker with a clever slogan that does not support a left wing political cause. Any of these stickers will likely end any chance you had of befriending a white person.

Note: attaching a yellow magnetic ribbon to the back of your car will result in being shunned from some of the stricter white communities and should avoided at all costs.

White people love rules. It explains why so they get upset when people cut in line, why they tip so religiously and why they become lawyers. But without a doubt, the rule system that white people love the most is grammar. It is in their blood not only to use perfect grammar but also to spend significant portions of time pointing out the errors of others.

When asking someone about their biggest annoyances in life, you might expect responses like “hunger,” “being poor,” or “getting shot.” If you ask a white person, the most common response will likely be “people who use ‘their’ when they mean ‘there.’ Maybe comma splices, I’m not sure but it’s definitely one of the two.”

If you wish to gain the respect of a white person, it’s probably a good idea that you find an obscure and debated grammar rule such as the “Oxford Comma” and take a firm stance on what you believe is correct. This is seen as more productive and forward thinking than simply stating your anger at the improper use of “it’s.

Another important thing to know is that when white people read magazines and books they are always looking for grammar and spelling mistakes. In fact, one of the greatest joys a white person can experience is to catch a grammar mistake in a major publication. Finding one allows a white person to believe that they are better than the writer and the publication since they would have caught the mistake. The more respected the publication, the greater the thrill. If a white person were to catch a mistake in The New Yorker, it would be a sufficient reason for a large party.

Though they reserve the harshest judgment for professional, do not assume that white people will cast a blind eye to your grammar mistakes in email and official documents. They will judge you and make a general assessment about your intelligence after the first infraction. Fortunately, this situation can be improved if you ask a white person to proof read your work before you send it out. “Hey Jill, I’m sorry to do this, but I have a business degree and I’m a terrible writer. Can you look this over for me?” This deft maneuver will allow the white person to feel as though their liberal arts degree has a purpose and allow you to do something more interesting.

Don’t worry, it is impossible for a white person to turn down the opportunity to proofread.

The Ivy League is expensive, exclusive, located in the North East, and features beautiful old buildings. All of these things are beloved by white people so logically it would seem that they all love the Ivy League. But this is not true!

White people have a tortured relationship with the Ivy Leagues, and if you broach the subject in the wrong way you can offend and even anger a white person.

But before getting into the more nuanced aspects of the subject, it’s important to know that all white people believe they have the intelligence and work ethic required to attend an Ivy League school. The only reason they did not actually go to one is that they chose not to participate in the “dog and pony show” required to gain acceptance. White people also like to believe that they were not born into a privileged (enough) family to get legacy admission. This should always be at the back of your mind as you talk to a white person about the Ivy League.

Once you have determined that a white person did not attend an Ivy League School, you should try to give them the opportunity to explain why their school was actually a superior educational experience. Some easy ways to do this are to mention grade inflation, professors who value research over teaching, or high tuition costs. Any one of these will set a white person off on a multi-minute rant.

When they have finally run out of arguments about why they chose the right school, you should say “I knew a whole bunch of people who went to Harvard and none of them work as hard or are as smart as you.” This is a very effective technique for gaining acceptance since white people need constant reassurance that they are smart and that they made the right choice with their life.

If you actually went to an Ivy League school, you will been seen as a threat so prepare for a lot of questions from white people. They will constantly ask questions about how much work you had, the type of students at the school, the professors, your dorm room, your reading lists, and they will try so hard to figure out your SAT score. They desperately need a source of comparison so that they need to figure out if you are actually smarter than them. In fact, the only way to stop this line of questioning is to imply that you only got in because of your minority status. Once you say that, white people will stop feeling threatened since they can now believe they too would have been accepted to an Ivy League school if they were a minority. It also gives them a personal story about the effectiveness of Affirmative Action.

White people also like to call their school “The Harvard of the <insert region or conference>”. Do not challenge this, it will ruin their confidence.

Stuff White People Like: A Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

By: Christian Lander

Available July 1st, 2008 from:

Amazon (Pre-Order)

Barnes and Noble (Pre-Order)

Book Sense

Borders

Powell’s

In Canada:

Indigo/Chapters (Pre-Order)

White People’s body temperatures do not operate on logical or consistent levels, and because of this white people are often forced to wear clothing combinations that might seem strange or illogical. One popular example is the performance vest which solves the age old problem of cold chest hot arms. Another common combination is wearing shorts with a sweatshirt which helps bring about comfort when your upper body is chilly but your lower half is sweltering. But without a doubt, the one piece of clothing that helps to regulate white body temperature in all situations is the scarf.

During winter months, it’s no surprise to find white people all bundled up with scarves around their neck – it just makes sense. But even as the weather warms up and the other layers start to fall off, the scarf remains.

It is not uncommon to see a white person in jeans, a sweater and a scarf. In fact, it’s not a rare occurance to see a white person in a t-shirt, jeans, and a scarf. Thats right. A thin cotton t-shirt paired with a scarf to enable maximum temperature control in bars and places with air conditioning

But not all white people wear the scarves for temperature reasons. A well made scarf can be an essential part of a white ensemble, allowing for all-important differentiation from other white people wearing the exact same clothes as them. Thus allowing them to be picked out of the crowd for dating or mocking purposes

“I like the guy in the white American Apparel shirt with the glasses.”

“Which one? there are eight.”

“The guy with the keffiyeh.”

“Oh yeah, you’re right. He does look smarter and more political than the other guys. He’s clearly more sensitive to wind, so he’s probably more sensitive in general. You should totally date him.”

Along with making up a key part of the white wardrobe, scarves also function as a vital pillar of the white gift economy. Due to their relative ease of creation, many white people (especially women) like to knit scarves for friends and lovers. For this reason alone, if you find yourself needing a new scarf but not a long term relationship, dating a white woman might be the easiest and most cost effective solution.

Photo by hongkiu

Les Enfants Vert Finally Have a Home

By: Alexandra Zissu

New York Magazine, April 13, 2008.

Summary

In spite of the recent ban on the New York Times, New York Magazine came through with an essential article for white person research. It seems as though regular private schools are simply not white enough for many parents. As a result a French ex-pat in New York has opened a French language Preschool, in New York, with $13,000 tuition, features environmentally friendly products and organic food.

This school also helps to give white parents one more reason for not sending their children to public school. “Public schools don’t have organic food, I can’t have my child eating pesticides. So I’m not racist, I’m just concerned over the food health of my child.”

Stuff Mentioned

• Multilingual Children
• Gifted Children (implied)
• Manhattan (Now Brooklyn Too!)
• Whole Foods
• Organic Food
• Private School (Future Post)

Link to School to Prove it is real

http://www.lepetitparadispreschool.com/

Side Note:

Stuff White People Like will be speaking at ROFLCon tomorrow in Boston at 1:30 p.m

Thanks to Alyson for sending this in.