“Racial Shift in a Progressive City Spurs Talks”

By: William Yardley
The New York Times (temporary ban has been lifted due to fantastic photo)
May 29th, 2008

Summary

Portland struggles to figure out how to create diversity without affecting property values. It is not easy. Fortunately, things are being solved through awareness.

Best Passage

“I’ve been really upset by what I perceive to be Portland’s blind spot in its progressivism,” said Khaela Maricich, a local artist and musician. “They think they live in the best city in the country, but it’s all about saving the environment and things like that. It’s not really about social issues. It’s upper-middle-class progressivism, really.”

Ms. Maricich, 33, who is white, spoke after attending this month’s meeting of Portland’s Restorative Listening Project.

Things Mentioned

• Being Offended
• Awareness
• Gentrification
• Diversity
• Barack Obama
• Non-Profit Organizations
• Bicycles
• Knowing What’s Best for Poor People
• Indie Music
• Coffee
• Dogs (photo)
• Expensive Strollers (Book)
• Portland, OR (Book)
• Native Wisdom (Book)

Thanks to Yolonda for being the first of many to send this in.

Photo by Brian Lee

www.BrianLeePhoto.com
www.BrianLeeWeddings.com

To be offended is usually a rather unpleasant experience, one that can expose a person to intolerance, cultural misunderstandings, and even evoke the scars of the past.  This is such an unpleasant experience that many people develop a thick skin and try to only be offended in the most egregious and awful situations.  In many circumstances, they can allow smaller offenses to slip by as fighting them is a waste of time and energy.  But white people, blessed with both time and energy, are not these kind of people.  In fact there are few things white people love more than being offended.

Naturally, white people do not get offended by statements directed at white people.  In fact, they don’t even have a problem making offensive statements about other white people (ask a white person about “flyover states”).  As a rule, white people strongly prefer to get offended on behalf of other people.

It is also valuable to know that white people spend a significant portion of their time preparing for the moment when they will be offended.  They read magazines, books, and watch documentaries all in hopes that one day they will encounter a person who will say something offensive.  When this happens, they can leap into action with quotes, statistics, and historical examples.  Once they have finished lecturing another white person about how it’s wrong to use the term “black” instead of “African-American,” they can sit back and relax in the knowledge that they have made a difference.

White people also get excited at the opportunity to be offended at things that are sexist and/or homophobic.  Both cases offering ample opportunities for lectures, complaints, graduate classes, lengthy discussions and workshops.  All of which do an excellent job of raising awareness among white people who hope to change their status from “not racist” to “super not racist.”

Another thing worth noting is that the threshold for being offended is a very important tool for judging and ranking white people. Missing an opportunity to be outraged is like missing a reference to Derrida-it’s social death.

If you ever need to make a white person feel indebted to you, wait for them to mention a book, film, or television show that features a character who is the same race as you,  then say “the representation of <insert race> was offensive and if you can’t see that, well, you need to do some soul searching.”  After they return from their hastily booked trip to land of your ancestors, they will be desperate to make it up to you.  At this point, it is acceptable to ask them to help you paint your house.

It is a fact that white people will never turn down an opportunity to enlighten other people on the correct way to think. While this is very easy to do through email or face to face conversation, it is exceptionally difficult to do while driving a car. Fortunately for white people there is a solution that is both popular and ineffective: bumper stickers.

Before talking about the types of bumper stickers that white people like, it’s very important to get an understanding about layout and placement. When a white person drives an older car (6+ years old) that has a resale value under $2000, they will coat the entire backside of the car in bumper stickers. Because of the abundance of space they are free to include stickers from all areas of white support: music, politics, the environment, insults to right wing politicians, and various movements that tell people to keep a city “weird.”

But when white people have a nice new car such as a Prius or an Audi station wagon, the fear of losing resale value prevents them from applying more than one sticker. Therefore that one sticker must properly capture the essence of the car and the political views of the driver.

The safest and most accepted choice for a sticker is always one that supports a Democratic Presidential candidate (Ralph Nader is an acceptable substitute). As of February 2008, white law requires an Obama 08 bumper sticker to be placed on the back of every Prius. Though these stickers reach peak effectiveness during an election year, it is acceptable to leave this sticker on the car until the next election regardless of whether or not the candidate actually won. If it’s a disputed election like in 2000, the sticker can be left on for the life of the car.

If a white person does not feel like supporting a candidate, they will likely select a bumper sticker that tells other people what to do. Some popular ones include telling people to Coexist and to stop eating meat.

Though there is no conclusive evidence about the effectiveness of these stickers, white people show no signs of abandoning the campaign. In fact, there is a popular tale in white mythology that tells of an unenlightened man driving on the freeway who saw a bumper sticker on the back of a Subaru station wagon that said “Go Veg.” The sticker was so moving that he threw the hamburger he was eating right out the window and became a vegetarian on the spot. Two days later, he affixed the same bumper sticker to their car and the process began anew until enough people had changed their views to form what we now know as the city of Portland, Oregon.

The only other acceptable sticker option for white people is the white oval country tag sticker used commonly in Europe to help identify cars that cross international borders. Though they actually serve a function in Europe, white people use the stickers to show people where they like to take vacations. If you know a white person with one of these stickers, it’s always a good idea to ask them about where they got the sticker. Your question will justify the presence of the sticker and make the white person feel great.

If you have decided that you want to improve your status with white people by applying a bumper sticker to your car do not make the assumption that you can just use anything! Stickers that support right wing politics, guns, patriotism, war, or hunting are all unacceptable. It is also unacceptable to use a sticker with a clever slogan that does not support a left wing political cause. Any of these stickers will likely end any chance you had of befriending a white person.

Note: attaching a yellow magnetic ribbon to the back of your car will result in being shunned from some of the stricter white communities and should avoided at all costs.

White people love rules. It explains why so they get upset when people cut in line, why they tip so religiously and why they become lawyers. But without a doubt, the rule system that white people love the most is grammar. It is in their blood not only to use perfect grammar but also to spend significant portions of time pointing out the errors of others.

When asking someone about their biggest annoyances in life, you might expect responses like “hunger,” “being poor,” or “getting shot.” If you ask a white person, the most common response will likely be “people who use ‘their’ when they mean ‘there.’ Maybe comma splices, I’m not sure but it’s definitely one of the two.”

If you wish to gain the respect of a white person, it’s probably a good idea that you find an obscure and debated grammar rule such as the “Oxford Comma” and take a firm stance on what you believe is correct. This is seen as more productive and forward thinking than simply stating your anger at the improper use of “it’s.

Another important thing to know is that when white people read magazines and books they are always looking for grammar and spelling mistakes. In fact, one of the greatest joys a white person can experience is to catch a grammar mistake in a major publication. Finding one allows a white person to believe that they are better than the writer and the publication since they would have caught the mistake. The more respected the publication, the greater the thrill. If a white person were to catch a mistake in The New Yorker, it would be a sufficient reason for a large party.

Though they reserve the harshest judgment for professional, do not assume that white people will cast a blind eye to your grammar mistakes in email and official documents. They will judge you and make a general assessment about your intelligence after the first infraction. Fortunately, this situation can be improved if you ask a white person to proof read your work before you send it out. “Hey Jill, I’m sorry to do this, but I have a business degree and I’m a terrible writer. Can you look this over for me?” This deft maneuver will allow the white person to feel as though their liberal arts degree has a purpose and allow you to do something more interesting.

Don’t worry, it is impossible for a white person to turn down the opportunity to proofread.

The Ivy League is expensive, exclusive, located in the North East, and features beautiful old buildings. All of these things are beloved by white people so logically it would seem that they all love the Ivy League. But this is not true!

White people have a tortured relationship with the Ivy Leagues, and if you broach the subject in the wrong way you can offend and even anger a white person.

But before getting into the more nuanced aspects of the subject, it’s important to know that all white people believe they have the intelligence and work ethic required to attend an Ivy League school. The only reason they did not actually go to one is that they chose not to participate in the “dog and pony show” required to gain acceptance. White people also like to believe that they were not born into a privileged (enough) family to get legacy admission. This should always be at the back of your mind as you talk to a white person about the Ivy League.

Once you have determined that a white person did not attend an Ivy League School, you should try to give them the opportunity to explain why their school was actually a superior educational experience. Some easy ways to do this are to mention grade inflation, professors who value research over teaching, or high tuition costs. Any one of these will set a white person off on a multi-minute rant.

When they have finally run out of arguments about why they chose the right school, you should say “I knew a whole bunch of people who went to Harvard and none of them work as hard or are as smart as you.” This is a very effective technique for gaining acceptance since white people need constant reassurance that they are smart and that they made the right choice with their life.

If you actually went to an Ivy League school, you will been seen as a threat so prepare for a lot of questions from white people. They will constantly ask questions about how much work you had, the type of students at the school, the professors, your dorm room, your reading lists, and they will try so hard to figure out your SAT score. They desperately need a source of comparison so that they need to figure out if you are actually smarter than them. In fact, the only way to stop this line of questioning is to imply that you only got in because of your minority status. Once you say that, white people will stop feeling threatened since they can now believe they too would have been accepted to an Ivy League school if they were a minority. It also gives them a personal story about the effectiveness of Affirmative Action.

White people also like to call their school “The Harvard of the <insert region or conference>”. Do not challenge this, it will ruin their confidence.

Stuff White People Like: A Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

By: Christian Lander

Available July 1st, 2008 from:

Amazon (Pre-Order)

Barnes and Noble (Pre-Order)

Book Sense

Borders

Powell’s

In Canada:

Indigo/Chapters (Pre-Order)

White People’s body temperatures do not operate on logical or consistent levels, and because of this white people are often forced to wear clothing combinations that might seem strange or illogical. One popular example is the performance vest which solves the age old problem of cold chest hot arms. Another common combination is wearing shorts with a sweatshirt which helps bring about comfort when your upper body is chilly but your lower half is sweltering. But without a doubt, the one piece of clothing that helps to regulate white body temperature in all situations is the scarf.

During winter months, it’s no surprise to find white people all bundled up with scarves around their neck – it just makes sense. But even as the weather warms up and the other layers start to fall off, the scarf remains.

It is not uncommon to see a white person in jeans, a sweater and a scarf. In fact, it’s not a rare occurance to see a white person in a t-shirt, jeans, and a scarf. Thats right. A thin cotton t-shirt paired with a scarf to enable maximum temperature control in bars and places with air conditioning

But not all white people wear the scarves for temperature reasons. A well made scarf can be an essential part of a white ensemble, allowing for all-important differentiation from other white people wearing the exact same clothes as them. Thus allowing them to be picked out of the crowd for dating or mocking purposes

“I like the guy in the white American Apparel shirt with the glasses.”

“Which one? there are eight.”

“The guy with the keffiyeh.”

“Oh yeah, you’re right. He does look smarter and more political than the other guys. He’s clearly more sensitive to wind, so he’s probably more sensitive in general. You should totally date him.”

Along with making up a key part of the white wardrobe, scarves also function as a vital pillar of the white gift economy. Due to their relative ease of creation, many white people (especially women) like to knit scarves for friends and lovers. For this reason alone, if you find yourself needing a new scarf but not a long term relationship, dating a white woman might be the easiest and most cost effective solution.

Photo by hongkiu

Les Enfants Vert Finally Have a Home

By: Alexandra Zissu

New York Magazine, April 13, 2008.

Summary

In spite of the recent ban on the New York Times, New York Magazine came through with an essential article for white person research. It seems as though regular private schools are simply not white enough for many parents. As a result a French ex-pat in New York has opened a French language Preschool, in New York, with $13,000 tuition, features environmentally friendly products and organic food.

This school also helps to give white parents one more reason for not sending their children to public school. “Public schools don’t have organic food, I can’t have my child eating pesticides. So I’m not racist, I’m just concerned over the food health of my child.”

Stuff Mentioned

• Multilingual Children
• Gifted Children (implied)
• Manhattan (Now Brooklyn Too!)
• Whole Foods
• Organic Food
• Private School (Future Post)

Link to School to Prove it is real

http://www.lepetitparadispreschool.com/

Side Note:

Stuff White People Like will be speaking at ROFLCon tomorrow in Boston at 1:30 p.m

Thanks to Alyson for sending this in.

Because white tastes in shoes can change so quickly, it’s not recommended that you ever talk to a white person about shoes. Over the years they have embraced (and eventually disowned) Uggs, Birkenstocks, Earth Shoes, and most recently Crocs. If it’s popular, the chances are that the clock is ticking down to it’s imminent doom. One mention of your affinity for selected footwear could undo all of your hard work.

There is, however, one exception: New Balance running shoes. All white people own a pair! Seriously, next time you are at a casual party where guests are encouraged to take off their shoes take a look by the door at the veritable rainbow of New Balance sneakers.

But why do white people love them so uniformly? It is pretty simple really. A few years ago it came out that Nike (and other manufacturers) were producing their shoes in Asian sweatshops and then selling them for a very high profit margin. White people were outraged, they generally prefer that children in developing nations first finish high school before working in shoe-producing sweatshops. Otherwise they might look foolish when their co-workers are talking about Catcher in the Rye.

This enormous guilt over child labor meant that white people started to stop wearing Nike shoes. Subsequently they were left to find a company that used fair labor practices to make shoes for the sports that they loved most: jogging, hiking, cross-country running, marathons, walking and being seen in retro-sneakers.

With factories in New England (include three in Maine!) and an extensive lineup of shoes that were meant only for running, New Balance was in the ideal position to both produce and distribute a product to the lucrative markets of white people conveniently located in the region. They quickly spread nationally and joined outdoor performance clothes as an essential part of the white uniform.

When you meet a person wearing New Balance shoes it is a good idea to ask them about the marathon for which they are inevitably training. If they say “I’m not training for a marathon,” this is a good opportunity to raise your status by saying “oh, I thought only runners wore those. My running club all wear New Balance except for a few jerks who won’t shut up about Asics. I’m still a bit sore from the 10k run this morning.”

This is an extremely effective move since white people who jog are generally viewed as being better than white people who don’t. Although perhaps it’s more accurately stated that white people who jog feel the need to constantly prove they are better than white people who don’t.

Note: It is considered a legendary white male move to play basketball in a pair of New Balance. Lots of layups.

“Scavengers on the Urban Savannah“

The New York Times, Sunday April 13th, 2008

by Guy Trebay

Stuff Mentioned

• Vintage
• Having Gay Friends (Extra points for Transgender here)
  
• Awareness
• Manhattan (Now Brooklyn too!)
• Graduate School
• Hating Corporations
• Gentrification
• Diversity

Best Quote:

“I graduated Princeton in ’92 and moved to Williamsburg in ’03,” [Mr. Butler, the Brooklyn Flea Market organizer] explained. “I bought on old fixer-upper in ’04 and started the site, and I realized I was miserable working on Wall Street and that Manhattan was only for rich people and felt played.”

“Brooklyn, and particularly Fort Greene with its heterogeneous population, had “so much more soul and texture,” observed Mr. Butler (who actually lives in Clinton Hill), echoing a view voiced by many before him, probably beginning with Walt Whitman or, anyway, Spike Lee.”

Worth Noting

Please take a look at the slideshow to show the fantastic “texture” of people at the event.

Change in Policy

The white people of New York have been properly documented. This experiment has shown that they are featured in at least one article in every Sunday New York Times. As a result, we have concluded our study of white people in the New York Times and will no longer take submissions from the New York Times. Instead, we hope to expand our search to help document how white people thrive in environments other than New York

If you’ve been in a white person’s apartment or home you might have noticed a ball that looks like a cross between an egg and a football. It is a Rugby ball and it is an important sport for white people.

They love Rugby for a number of reasons, the first of which is the fact that it is not very popular in North America. In fact, it is even less popular than soccer which gives a white person that all important edge in the contest to see who likes the most obscure sport. Though this is important, it is not the real reason why white people love the sport so much.

Rugby’s greatest appeal lies in its uniforms.

Unlike other sports where jerseys are made out of nylon or mesh, Rugby jerseys are like thick sweatshirts with collars! In fact there is no other jersey on earth that can move so seamlessly from the playing field to the farmers market

Many white people first acquire a love of rugby during their high school and college years by playing either for a school team or in the case of highly advanced white people-part of an intramural league. In fact, many white people will continue to play the sport into their early 30s at local parks on Saturday morning. If you are looking to expand your group of white friends, you would be wise to get yourself invited to one of these games. However, you should be prepared to have your crotch grabbed.

Though playing the sport is the most common way for white people to become interested in Rugby, a great number of them pick up a taste for the game while studying abroad in Australia or New Zealand. Like soccer, they are given the chance to purchase a scarf of their adopted team, but more importantly they can acquire a Rugby jersey. Unlike a soccer scarf, they can wear this garment all year long which provides for a more reliable trinket that can be used to initiate conversations about their time down under. For extra credit, some white people will declare that they are into Australian Rules Football and not Rugby. If you wish to friend this person, it’s best to ask them about the differences in rules because they will be thrilled to tell you.

Aside from playing the game with white people, there is one other surefire way to use rugby for your own personal gain. If you have determined that the white person you are talking to prefers rugby over soccer, it is strongly advised that you say: “you know, American Football players might be bigger, but rugby players are so much tougher.” Their response will be to tell you about how Football players are weak because they wear pads. This will be followed by a knowing nod or wink in your direction and an invitation to join them for a game on the weekend.

“It’s Not you, it’s Your Books”
by Rachel Donadio
The New York Times, March 30th, 2008

“We’ve all been there. Or some of us have. Anyone who cares about books has at some point confronted the Pushkin problem: when a missed — or misguided — literary reference makes it chillingly clear that a romance is going nowhere fast. At least since Dante’s Paolo and Francesca fell in love over tales of Lancelot, literary taste has been a good shorthand for gauging compatibility.”

Stuff White People Like examines the issue: Can you date someone who is not well read?

Yes:

Dating someone who is not as well read as you is a good idea since these type of people are more easily manipulated in terms of both actions and future tastes in books. The ability to entirely craft the literary tastes of your partner is highly desirable as it reinforces your own impeccable taste and allows you to play a literary version of Henry Higgins

No:

In social situations there is a good chance that an poorly read person will admit to not having read Nabokov beyond Lolita or that they are unfamiliar with Umberto Eco’s essays on reading. Of course, there is the off-chance that they might commit intellectual and social suicide by asking your friends if they “loved The Da Vinci Code as much I did?” This is extremely embarrassing and reflects poorly on them. Ultimately, their actions are more of a statement about you and your inability to date someone of adequate literary experience.

Final Call:

It is recommended that you date and then subsequently dump someone who is considered “poorly read,” simply for the story. It will show your commitment to the importance of books and reading. But beyond that singular experience it is unacceptable to seriously date anyone who has not read the right books.

Thanks to Jake Adler for sending the article.

In spite of having access to the best health insurance and fanciest hospitals, white people are passionate about the idea of socialized medicine. So much so that they have memorized statistics and examples of how for-profit medicine has destroyed the United States.

But before you can exploit this information for personal gain, it’s important that you understand why white people are so in love with free health care.

The first and most obvious reason is “they have it Europe.” White people love all things European, this especially true of things that are unavailable in the United States (Rare Beers, Absinthe, legal marijuana, prostitution, soccer). The fact that it’s available in Canada isn’t really that impressive, but it does contribute to their willingness to threaten to move there.

These desires were only heightened in 2007 when Michael Moore released “Sicko,” a documentary that contrasts the health care industry in the United States with that of Canada, France and Cuba. As a general rule of thumb, white people are always extra passionate about issues that have been the subject of a Moore documentary. As a test, ask them about 9/11, Gun Control, or Health Care and then say “where did you get that information?” You will not be surprised at the results.

But the secret reason why all white people love socialized medicine is that they all love the idea of receiving health care without having a full-time job. This would allow them to work as a freelance designer/consultant/copywriter/photographer/blogger, open their own bookstore, stay at home with their kids, or be a part of an Internet start-up without having to worry about a benefits package. Though many of them would never follow this path, they appreciate having the option.

If you need to impress a white person, merely mention how you got hurt on a recent trip Canada/England/Sweden and though you were a foreigner you received excellent and free health care. They will be very impressed and likely tell you about how powerful drug and health care lobbies are destroying everything.

Though their passion for national health care runs deep, it is important to remember that white people are most in favor of it when they are healthy. They love the idea of everyone have equal access to the resources that will keep them alive, that is until they have to wait in line for an MRI.

This is very similar to the way that white people express their support for public schools when they don’t have children.

Sisters in Idiosyncrasy

By: Noam Cohen

Stuff Mentioned (16, a new record!)

• San Francisco
• Architecture
• Manhattan Now Brooklyn Too!
• Writers Workshops
• Non profit organizations
• Diversity
• Plays
• T-shirts
• Graduate School
• Bicycles
• Microbreweries
• Having gay friends
• Gentrification
• Toyota Prius
• Living by the Water
• The Sunday New York Times

Implied Stuff

Literally everything else.

Stuff Mentioned that will become future posts:

• Facebook
• McSweeneys

Thanks to Kristin for being the first of many to send this in.  She would like everyone to check out http://www.storyofstuff.com/

MINNEAPOLIS, MN (PR Newswire) – The Target Corporation (TGT) has purchased the popular blog “Stuff White People Like” (http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com).

Starting April 1st, 2008 the nation’s second largest retailer will use the site as a promotional tool.

“We are thrilled at the opportunity,” says Ennis Blentic, Senior VP of Marketing at Target. “It’s a great chance for us to connect with some of our most valued customers and let them know about our great product line for 2008 and beyond.”

The company plans to have the regular writers do one post per week with the rest of the week devoted to posts that inform and educate customers about Target products.

The first campaign to be featured on the site will be for Target’s new line of Fresh Organic foods called “Tanner Farms.”

The brand new product line promises to deliver top quality organic vegetables, fruit, meat, organic cereal, chocolate, bread, and pasta to every Target store throughout the United States.

“We feel as though our customers would be better served if we offered a full organic grocery option in all of our locations,” says Blentic. “We can’t think of a better way to promote than through this amazing viral blog. We are also hoping to add user generated content where people can send stories, videos, and art about how they use Target organic foods in their daily lives.”

Blog founders Christian Lander and Myles Valentin will be retained as consultants.

“I’m really happy to be working with Target,” says Lander. “I think this is a great partnership and a true step forward in the future of advertising.”

“White people love Target!” joked Valentin. “But in all seriousness, we could not have selected a better corporate partner. I think Target’s new organic line will really change the way that people eat and shop.”

Regular readers of the site will be offered free shipping on their next order at Target.com with the code “STUFFWHITEPEOPLELIKE.”

About Target

Minneapolis-based Target serves guests at 1,613 stores in 47 states nationwide by delivering today’s best retail trends at affordable prices. Target is committed to providing guests with great design through innovative products, in-store experiences and community partnerships. Whether visiting a Target store or shopping online at Target.com, guests enjoy a fun and convenient shopping experience with access to thousands of unique and highly differentiated items.

Update: White People enjoy April Fools